Blogging the Unbloggable...

How to blog the unbloggable…

At my denominational conference in July, one of the preachers spoke of asking God for what we need. She said (at least, this was my understanding) that too often we don’t dare to ask for what we really need, requesting half a loaf when we are hungry for a whole one. We may do this because we think we don’t deserve a whole loaf; or we may think that if we only ask for half a loaf, then we won’t be disappointed; or perhaps we think God doesn’t deal in whole loaves. This is especially true, she said, of pastors—we who are so busy taking care of others (our congregations, our denominations, our communities, our families, our partners) that we do not take adequate care of ourselves.

I thought about that a bit.

I had felt for several months that I had no clear channel of communication with God any longer. Earlier in my life, when I had been at a crossroads or in doubt as to what I should do, I could open myself to God and feel the divine guidance—not always right away, but eventually. But no longer. I struggled and struggled—trying several methods of prayer, trying doing nothing, trying many things. But still that channel felt blocked—as if something were in the way, between me and God. After much struggle, prayers, tears and thought, I realized that what was blocking that communication was that my heart had not completely changed towards Strong Heart—I had not completely made the transition to friends. My head had, my spirit knew too that she and I were best as friends, for many reasons, and had known that on some level for quite a while before we agreed to change our relationship—but my heart didn’t quite agree yet. My heart longed for what we had had. I tried to argue my heart out of it, but as you may know, hearts are stubborn. Strong Heart is an amazing woman, one of my dearest friends whom I love deeply—but by no means was she or can she be my ideal partner, nor I hers. We had both come to realize that, and had accordingly changed our relationship. So I struggled with my heart to let go of that, but I was so focused on all the debris that comes even with an amicable change in relationship that I could not hear Spirit above the clamour.

And so, there I was in worship that Friday night, the night of the traditional healing service, and the sermon was about not being shy to ask God for what you really want and need. And so I did; I asked God for that healing I needed—to clear the way for that sweet communication with Spirit that I so missed. When it came time for individual prayers, I went for healing prayers, asking for the way to be opened to hear God and speak to God again.

Let me be clear here. I come from a very structured United Methodist background. I do not see angels. I have never prophesied nor spoken in tongues. We didn’t do that sort of thing in the proper MidWestern church I grew up in. Heck, we barely ever even clapped along with the hymn and we never ever raised a hand to the music or in affirmation of the preacher’s message. Saying, “Amen?” Honey, it didn’t happen.

Needless to say, I worship differently now! But—I still clung to those remnants of my upbringing and was sceptical of such things as speaking in tongues and being slain in the spirit.

I am sceptical no more. In that time of prayer, in which I wept as though my heart was breaking, I felt that channel cleared--the debris of my clinging to the old, no-longer-existent relationship with Strong Heart because it was what I knew and because it had been at one time so sweet to me, rather than the healthier, and yes, holier, relationship that we had now—all that debris of the past was swept away and Spirit came rushing in. Came rushing in and laid me flat out, caught by the loving arms of friends—Boss Pastor, Dona, Celtic Rainbow, and Pilgrim Companion.

Yes, my friends, I was slain in the Spirit. That rush cleared my heart, my head, my soul, my very self. Not only was my heart healed of its mourning, but it was opened to new hope and possibility.

Literally, from that moment, the healing began and has continued. The connection with my friend the revitalization pastor—Living Spring—that very evening, within the very hour, even—and the continuing involvement with Host Pastor and the others working towards a cooperative parish after conference, are affirmations that remaining open and revitalization is the right thing to do. I had no such reassurance earlier, though I sought it long and hard.

I have moved further along on this journey—finding new energy in the work towards a possible cooperative parish, in the new sermon series on Christianity 101, in the support of Living Spring, and in two deepening friendships with Lake Retreat and Pilgrim Companion that are precisely what I need now—mutual support, spiritual conversation, laughter, simple fun, and love. Once again Spirit flows for me, a reassurance even in days and nights of struggle, annoyance, and uncertainty.

Praise be to God.

Busy? What's That?

I am off again this afternoon on my trip to Capital City of Capitol Cities, having been home barely 48 hours!

Our church's regional conference was amazing. It was a little difficult for me, as Strong Heart has begun seeing someone, and they were there together at the conference. But she had told me about it beforehand, the three of us are comfortable together, and she has made it clear that she and I are very close friends, we will continue to be a part of each other's lives, and her new interest is very willing to accept that. So the best part of our relationship remains strong--the friendship.

And I have to say, the rabble-rouser in me is pleased that we (the three of us) rattled a few cages over the weekend, by being close, spending time together, not creating drama--in other words, acting like adults. We shared time in worship, in retreat and at meals--and let it be seen that, gee, we like each other and can spend time together.

Besides that, I also enjoyed getting to know some people better--a very energetic pastor whom I have always admired, a new neighbour, and a member of Sister City Church; reconnecting with friends; learning; and some amazing worship, including an experience I'm not quite ready to blog about, but I'm sure I will soon.

In other news, our church has received an exciting invitation to a new form of ministry! That is still in process, so I won't say more about it right now except that it would be a first for my denomination in Canada and it would allow us to do things we've only dreamed about doing.

We are--obviously--remaining open. Details to follow.

Off to Capitol City of Capitol Cities!

Is It Fall Yet?

RevGalBlogPals Friday Five, courtesy of Reverendmother, in honour of the US/Canadian Labour Day weekend, traditional end of the summer.

A highlight of the summer....

Can I say the whole month of July? It started with ten days of my denomination’s General Conference. The term comes from the Methodist church, which also calls meetings conferences. In the early days of the circuit riding pastors, largely isolated from each other except for conferences, there were some clergy who felt Conference should be considered a sacrament. When I was a United Methodist, I didn’t quite understand, as UM conferences have become more business-like and less sacramental. But now that I too am the one and only representative of my denomination in my fair city, I understand much better the value of these meetings—the sacrament of presence with each other. And I personally am spoiled—with 7 MCC churches within three hours’ drive in various directions, I am in a rare position among MCC clergy. So this gathering, once every three years, of clergy (retired, active, in non-church positions), laity, gifted speakers and preachers and musicians and artists of all kinds…inspired and inspiring worship—it just doesn’t get much better. To see friends I haven’t seen in a couple of years and pick up where we left off…to see friends I email with every week, or have lunch with once a month…to meet new friends…well. Conference is indeed a sacrament, if we take the traditional meaning of sacrament as a “means of grace.”

The second part of July saw me up to my eyebrows in Pride. Here in River City, we celebrate Pride for a whole week, more or less. This year we began with a gay-themed play about marriage, written by a young man I am proud to know; opening night we had two same-sex weddings, as that day also happened to be the third anniversary of the passage of Bill C-38, legalizing equal marriage here in Canada. Then we had the raising of the Pride flag in front of City Hall (in place of the city flag), where it flies all during Pride. Then there was a Night of Remembrance of our losses; a bowling night, a (cancelled) art show, a film festival featuring a movie that was recently on the cover of the Advocate (often called the GLBT Time). Then Saturday came, with Brit Boy’s dance set to be sorted and then enjoyed beyond belief; setting up the church’s booth; and the church’s food booth (Texas-style pulled beef and pulled pork sandwiches—thought I’d died and gone to heaven!). And then the rest of the entertainment that I, as surviving co-vice-chair of the organizing committee, just had to stay for (of course I did). Sunday was our worship service, with a visiting singer—and I was treated to a private concert on the way down to the venue as she warmed up. Then a mad dash to the parade marshalling site (with a clothes change en route) for the ride in a convertible. I felt like a homecoming queen! Then back to the venue for booth staffing and visits with friends. Monday was a concert with the singer. Tuesday I collapsed.

Two sets of ten intense days…That was July 2007.

RP as Homecoming Queen...in purple!

Are you glad to see this summer end? Why or why not?
Yes, in a way. The weather’s been mild, it’s been exciting and overall good, but all the same, I could do with a bit more routine and less excitement!

Name one or two things you're looking forward to this fall.
Well, as part of my chill-out campaign (see the entry for Thursday the 30^th), I’m planning to be more involved with a community theatre group. I’m starting with ushering in a couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to being part of a theatre scene again (in however minor a way) as well as meeting new people.

Also, one of our MPs is coming to speak on the Transgender Day of Remembrance in November. He is one of the co-sponsors of a bill to include trans rights in the Bill of Human Rights. He’s been a huge supporter of GLBT rights, at some personal cost. He’s a warm and delightful man.

Do you have any special preparations or activities to mark the transition from one season to another? (Cleaning of house, putting away summer clothes, one last trip to the beach)

Hmm. Well I like to put a pot of mums out on the porch. The porch furniture (well the two chairs) come in only with the first frost. I always have ambitions of deep-cleaning the house in the fall but it’s tricky. Sometimes it happens.

'll know that fall is really here when I can take the air conditioning units out of the windows!