On the Journey XV....and probably last.

Medical followups and such..

I had my first post-treatment mammogram on Monday, then a follow-up appointment with my medical oncologist on Thursday.

The mammogram was clear, praise be to God.

The cehmotherapy did put me into early menopause. I could do without the mood swings and hot flashes, but I wouldn't want to have done without the chemotherapy, so I'll take it!

I'll be going back every three months for a while, just for follow-up and making sure all continues well.

In physical terms, I am getting back to normal. My hair isn't back to the length I would like, but that's just a matter of time. I have heard several times that it looks good at this length. That ma be true, but it's not where I want it, it's not the image I have of myself, so yes, I'm going to keep growing it. I have a photo of myself taken back in the summer of last year, and that's my benchmark--y hair then was a good length, a good colour. That's my goal for my hair, my appearance, my own self-image.

It's not about vanity--it's not that I want to look good, simply for the sake of looking attractive. It's about looking like me. To me, I do not look like myself right now.

So there's the medical update--the 15th and, I think, last. Even though I will be going back in for periodic follow-ups, I think most of this is behind me now, and I'm ready to move on from the regular updaes here. Any new developments will be posted, of course, but for now, this journey is over.

On the Journey XIV

Hmm, those Roman numerals are starting to get complicated!

I have finished radiation (as of a week ago) and so am done with cancer treatment!

I'm feeling conflicted, to be honest. On the one hand, I am celebrating the end of chemotherapy and radiation--no more abusing my body in the name of saving it. On the other hand, I'm feeling a bit worried--what do I do now? When I was in treatment, at least I knew I was dong something about the cancer. But that's all done, we've done what we can until and unless it shows up again. I don't know why I got cancer, and therefore I can't do much to prevent it--and might not be able to, even if I did know. So I'm at loose ends.

I'm continuing to heal though--the burns and sore places from radiation are pretty much gone. I still have yucky nails and tingly fingers from the Taxotere. I have my compression sleeve for the lymphedema and it seems to be working. And my hair is growing! I actually had it trimmed last week--cleaned up and evened out. We're waiting for it to grow out a bit more before doing much more with it. It looks like all that grey/white may be from the chemo, as I have a lot of dark roots.

I'll meet with my oncologist on Monday, when I get the plan for the next few months. I already have a three-month follow-up appointment with my radiation oncologist. My first question will be about getting this port out--it will seem more like treatment is over if that's gone.

I'll keep you posted!

On The Journey XIII

Two days away from beginning radiation...

I'm scheduled for 35 treatments (5 days a week for seven weeks). It seems like a lot, but it's pretty standard for someone with my kind of cancer--grade 3 (very aggressive) and triple negative (not receptive to hormones, thus no hormone treatment like tamoxifen is possible for me after radiation). This is, basically, our one chance to hit the cancer and hit it hard--if there's any still there after the chemo. We don't know, can't know (there's no test to see if you have any cancer cells floating around in your body), so we have to do all we can.

The procedure itself is like getting an xray. I'm put in position (the techs are guided by the tattooed dots I received during the planning session back in January), which allows the radiation beam to be tightly focused on just exactly where the tumor was, and thus affect the rest of my breast/skin less. The beam is switched on for a few moments, then off. And that's it. As someone said, it takes longer to get ready and then dressed again than it does for the treatment itself.

Side effects--possibly some skin problems like redness, itching, sunburn-like irritation. Sometimes it actually blisters, but that's fairly rare. Fatigue is another one, because the beam does affect the ribs and breastbone, which manufacure blood cells--so if that capability is affected, there are fewer red blood cells (which carry oxygen) floating around, I'll get weary more easily and be less able to bounce back. I'm very much hoping that doesn't happen--I'm just atsrting to get back into my life after chemo, and I don't want to have to cut back again.

I still have some lingering side effects from the chemo. My hair will take another few months to grow back to a reasonable length--I'm at 1/4 inch right now! Peach fuzz, really. The other one that's a bother is tingling/numbness in my fingers and toes--this is from that last med I used, Taxotere, which is known for this. It's also supposed to go away in a month or two.

Otherwise, trying to get back into life, getting ready for the radiation (good book and emu oil at the ready!), and looking forward to spring!!

On the Journey VII...

I am now bald.

But you know, it's OK. At some point in the last couple of days, I came to realise that I actually preferred being bald to the annoyance of hair drifting everywhere and my scalp itching.

I gathered with friends, we shared wine and cheese and party mix, and Stylist gradually shaved off my hair.

He was wonderful about it! He clipped my hair into various styles, each time taking some more hair, until I had a Mohawk (note to self: NEVER get a Mohawk), complete with hairspray to stiffen it up! I looked like Foghorn Leghorn, to be honest. And then one more swipe of the clippers and it was all gone.

Then we tried on all the hats, scarves, etc. that I have been gifted with by generous, loving friends. My favourite black velvet bucket with a satin rose; a black beret (both from Strong Heart); a tube scarf (it can be converted into a dozen shapes and ways of wearing it); a green corduroy newsboy-style; and a matching soft scarf.

Afterwards, two of my friends took me out for an Indian dinner--since I have another treatment next week, I won't be able to have spicy food for a couple weeks, and I love the stuff. Mmm, butter chicken, naam, marsala tea--yum.

Since I've taken the plunge, I figured I might as well go out and about--I'll be going to a friend's party tonight, in spite of my stubble. First trip in public--well, besides the Indian restaurant last night, but we were the only ones there, so it was only the waitress...and I was wearing a hat. I'll be interested to see people's reactions!

I'll keep you posted!

On the Journey VI...

I felt well until Sunday the 9th, when I crashed and crashed hard. I made myself go to church, however, as we had a budget meeting. My wonderful deacon led service, however!

I didn't feel myself again until Wednesday the 12th. Tired, headaches, no appetite, etc. And then almost overnight, I felt so much better. Still fatigued, but able to eat and sleep again.

Saturday the 15th was Strong Heart's ordination. What a wonderful service that was! So many people there to support her and celebrate with her, members of the several congregations who have come to know her over the years, the mentors and fellow-students, the friends and congregation members... the spirit of love and celebration and joy filled the space and lifted us all.

The photograph of her in her full vestments (chausable even!) with her ordination certificate is one I will always cherish--she is glowing and radiant, full of joy and pride and the Spirit.

I managed to pace myself through that day--I did not jump up to help or find things, I did not circulate at the reception. I made myself sit quietly and rest, knowing that people who really wanted to talk to me would seek me out--and they did.

Sunday was my congregation's annual meeting. We're hanging in there, for the time being. But it was emotional and difficult. on top of an emotional day the day before.

And this week I have felt mostly back to normal. Appetite back, no headaches, mouth not so dry.

However....yesterday my hair began falling out. And today it's worse. I have my Sinead O'Connor party on Friday for a clipping. Several friends will be there to support me, hold my hands if needed, while Stylist trims me close.

I think the hair falling gently all over the vanity this morning really brought it all home. It's real. this is not a bad dream, this is not something I am overdramatising. And it's not something I can skate through--I am not Ali McGraw in Love Story miraculously looking lovely all the way through treatment.

Reality sucks.

I'll keep you posted!

On the Journey V

Continuing to feel good. I know that over time this may well change--the body can fight off a one or two time dousing of poison (which is what chemotherapy is, after all) but after a while it gets tired. But so far so good!

Slept very well last night, which is a relief after the couple previous nights! My appetite is doing odd things...the vegetable lasagna I had loved over the weekend and saved myself a bit of for lunch yesterday turned my stomach when I even looked at it yesterday...maybe the tomatoes? So I'm doing the bland thing--pudding, tuna, crackers, applesauce, cottage cheese, etc.

But otherwise no complaints. I'm working my semi-secular job today (which I had better get to) and then perhaps to a friend's band's gig tonight. Have to see how I feel, but I'm pretty much free tomorrow and no sermon to write (house church on Sunday).

I'll keep you posted!