Calling

I've been thinking about calling, and ministry, and specifically my call to ministry, in response to reading William Willimon's "Calling and Character."

What I know about my call:
I could not refuse it--although I tried to channel it into other directions for several years (several committees in the local church, choir, writing, etc.)
God called me, not a particular local church or denomination; if one would not, could not accept me, that did not invalidate my call; it simply meant I was meant to serve in another.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more important to me than my call, my ministry. That doesn't mean I don't have balance in my life. But when it comes to life decisions, I cannot allow anything else to divert me from the fullest response to my call that I am capable of--not relationships, not fear, not finances, not other people's opinions of me... I gave up many things to respond to my call, both before and after I came out and left my denomination of origin. I am not going to waste that sacrifice (which was not only my sacrifice, but others' as well) by being any less than God calls me to be.

Beyond that, in the specifics, I'm still exploring and discerning. What size or location or mission or style or theology in a local congregation is a best fit, will, I suspect, change over time. I am too capable of seeing all sides (or many) sides of a situation to commit to one thing always and forever.

I was talking with a clergy colleague recently who said she never wanted to serve in a large church because she felt called to the intimacy and family feeling of a small church. I understand that well, having served in small churches. But, again having worked with large churches, I feel a pull to serve there as well, simply because of the resources available and the breadth of experience in a larger church. I can see and feel the call, the pull, to both or either. So does that make me wishy-washy or available to God? The jury's still out on that one!

Willmon's book is, for the most part, excellent. He talks about the ethics of ministry and call, the need for truth spoken in love. He's not only referring to the needed truth we pastors speak to congregations in our sermons and studies--although that is part of it--but the truth spoken to our colleagues in ministry. If we allow our colleagues to be less than they are capable of, we thereby give them permission to allow us to be less than we are capable of--and neither is a faithful response to our call.

My one complaint (at least so far, I haven't finished the book yet) is that while he recognizes that God calls whom God wills, and that may include gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals, he still feels that celibacy is called for by non-heterosexual people. He's missed two points here.

First is that no intimate relationship is solely about genital sex, the physical part of a relationship; what about intimate love, caring, nurture, mutual support? No one I know (of any orientation or gender identity) would define their intimate relationships purely around the physical act. In calling for celibacy (i.e., enforced singleness), Willimon is denying GLBT people the opportunity for the kind of intimate support and caring that heterosexual people take for granted from their partners.

Second, celibacy is a gift, it is not granted to everyone. To force someone into a state into which they are not called is wrong, simply put. To accept that persons are called, then to decide that who they are doesn't fit someone's (human) comfort zone and so they must surpress part of who they are is a failing of human grace. A person is called with all of who they are, not simply the parts of them we are comfortable with--it may be that what we are not comfortable with is exactly what God requires that person to express and share with God's people.

I understand Willimon's point that the pastor has a peculiar responsibility to be a living model of the Christian life. But having accepted that all persons may be called, why then would we ask that called person to be less than who they are?

Well, that's a pet peeve of mine--so-called acceptance and tolerance that isn't quite comfortable with the whole concept. A black friend of mine once comparesd it to her being welcomed in a majority-Caucasian church--as long as she didn't stand up and wave her arms, or shout "amen!" at the preacher, she was welcome--they were comfortable with her. But when she began to express herself in worship, as she felt comfortable and called, they were not as accepting. So too, as long as non-heterosexual people look and act just like heterosexual people, and don't do anything to remind heterosexual people that they aren't just like them, then non-heterosexual people are welcome. But only until then.

And so I have been doing some thinking about celibacy as part of a call--for anyone, of any denomination or orientation or gender identity.

Does it truly free one for greater service or does it lay an enormous burden of loneliness on the person? How does one find that ease, that comfort in sharing and mutual support that is really only available in the most intimate of relationships? Friendships, even long-standing ones, close, intense and trusting, can only go so far.

Does it have something to do with committment? Is is fair to ask someone, not called as I am, to commit to a life--or an extended period of time--with me, knowing I will not be able to give them all the attention, care and nuture they deserve because my congregation comes first? On the other hand, without committment, how can it even be called a relationship rather than...what, friends with benefits? I think at some point there does need to be a committment to a relationship (any intimate relationship), even if it's only a committment to work on the relationship--not necessarily a committment that the relationship will never end (probably unrealistic anyway), but a promise to at least try to make it work and attempt to solve diffculties. Otherwise no matter the emotions involved, it's not more than intensive dating or living together. So I am faced with either asking someone to share my life, knowing they will always be in second place; or living without that intimate place of sharing and caring and mutual support. So perhaps it is better to be single--not because of any perceived sinfulness or concern over misleading the flock, but because it is too much to ask another person, not called, to accept. It would be a great gift if offered--but until the life of the clergy spouse is lived, no one really understands it.

Of course, it may be that "clergy spouse" is a calling the church has not yet recognized! It may be high time for that!

Two-clergy couples have their own struggles, before someone suggests that... Two calls, two demanding lives...and sometimes the calls will lead in different directions. If it is not fair to ask someone who has no call to ordained ministry to be our partner, how much worse is it to ask someone who does have that call to committ to delaying or rearranging or denying that call--or having them ask you to do so? I know there are clergy couples who make it work, and I rise up and call them blessed.

Perhaps I'm creating a false dichotomy here, between commitment to the congregation and commitment to a partner. In all healthy relationships, such as between the pastor and the congregation or between the pastor and his/her partner, there should be balance. Simply because that balance is difficult, that does not mean one should not try for the relationship, for the balance. If one is truly called to celibacy, or singleness--and I have known one or two people who are--then that is one's call. But it shouldn't be a choice of fear or disappointment, born of the difficulties of relationship in this situation. If it is freely chosen and one is called to it, then it can be a true support for a pastor.

But for the rest of us, as part of our call, we are to model the Christian life not only in how we deal with money and conflict and societal influences, but in our relationships as well. This is what Strong Heart and I were attempting to model this summer at the conference--difficult as it might have been for both of us, we were very aware of our call to model Christian love and truth, as pastors called to lead God's people. We tried--and I hope, succeeded--in modelling love that goes beyond the momentary to the long-term, love that offers forgiveness and acceptance, that sees beyond momentary pain to a love that does not end with a change in focus or direction. So, too, in our relationships with partners, family, friends, and others, we should be models. I'm not saying it's easy, especially with family--but we as pastors are called to act as Christ would act, whether our actions are responded to in a Christian manner or not. Therefore, it seems to me, we are called to partnership--not only as a model but for our own comfort and well-being in this ministry God has called us to.

And let me add one thought to that--there is a very special corner of heaven reserved for the spouses of pastors!

Well, this is a long musing with no real conclusion, more a string of thoughts I have had. I am not sure what it all means, of anything. I do not think, at this point, that singleness is part of my call, although I will say that in the most important relationships of my life, they did not continue as they were because of my calling (at least in part, never the whole or only reason), in one way or another. My partners either could not accept the reality of what my call meant; or my call led me in one direction and my partner was called in another direction. Which is why I am contemplating this whole matter of partnership for clergy...how do we make it work?

Ideas, anyone?

Blogging the Unbloggable...

How to blog the unbloggable…

At my denominational conference in July, one of the preachers spoke of asking God for what we need. She said (at least, this was my understanding) that too often we don’t dare to ask for what we really need, requesting half a loaf when we are hungry for a whole one. We may do this because we think we don’t deserve a whole loaf; or we may think that if we only ask for half a loaf, then we won’t be disappointed; or perhaps we think God doesn’t deal in whole loaves. This is especially true, she said, of pastors—we who are so busy taking care of others (our congregations, our denominations, our communities, our families, our partners) that we do not take adequate care of ourselves.

I thought about that a bit.

I had felt for several months that I had no clear channel of communication with God any longer. Earlier in my life, when I had been at a crossroads or in doubt as to what I should do, I could open myself to God and feel the divine guidance—not always right away, but eventually. But no longer. I struggled and struggled—trying several methods of prayer, trying doing nothing, trying many things. But still that channel felt blocked—as if something were in the way, between me and God. After much struggle, prayers, tears and thought, I realized that what was blocking that communication was that my heart had not completely changed towards Strong Heart—I had not completely made the transition to friends. My head had, my spirit knew too that she and I were best as friends, for many reasons, and had known that on some level for quite a while before we agreed to change our relationship—but my heart didn’t quite agree yet. My heart longed for what we had had. I tried to argue my heart out of it, but as you may know, hearts are stubborn. Strong Heart is an amazing woman, one of my dearest friends whom I love deeply—but by no means was she or can she be my ideal partner, nor I hers. We had both come to realize that, and had accordingly changed our relationship. So I struggled with my heart to let go of that, but I was so focused on all the debris that comes even with an amicable change in relationship that I could not hear Spirit above the clamour.

And so, there I was in worship that Friday night, the night of the traditional healing service, and the sermon was about not being shy to ask God for what you really want and need. And so I did; I asked God for that healing I needed—to clear the way for that sweet communication with Spirit that I so missed. When it came time for individual prayers, I went for healing prayers, asking for the way to be opened to hear God and speak to God again.

Let me be clear here. I come from a very structured United Methodist background. I do not see angels. I have never prophesied nor spoken in tongues. We didn’t do that sort of thing in the proper MidWestern church I grew up in. Heck, we barely ever even clapped along with the hymn and we never ever raised a hand to the music or in affirmation of the preacher’s message. Saying, “Amen?” Honey, it didn’t happen.

Needless to say, I worship differently now! But—I still clung to those remnants of my upbringing and was sceptical of such things as speaking in tongues and being slain in the spirit.

I am sceptical no more. In that time of prayer, in which I wept as though my heart was breaking, I felt that channel cleared--the debris of my clinging to the old, no-longer-existent relationship with Strong Heart because it was what I knew and because it had been at one time so sweet to me, rather than the healthier, and yes, holier, relationship that we had now—all that debris of the past was swept away and Spirit came rushing in. Came rushing in and laid me flat out, caught by the loving arms of friends—Boss Pastor, Dona, Celtic Rainbow, and Pilgrim Companion.

Yes, my friends, I was slain in the Spirit. That rush cleared my heart, my head, my soul, my very self. Not only was my heart healed of its mourning, but it was opened to new hope and possibility.

Literally, from that moment, the healing began and has continued. The connection with my friend the revitalization pastor—Living Spring—that very evening, within the very hour, even—and the continuing involvement with Host Pastor and the others working towards a cooperative parish after conference, are affirmations that remaining open and revitalization is the right thing to do. I had no such reassurance earlier, though I sought it long and hard.

I have moved further along on this journey—finding new energy in the work towards a possible cooperative parish, in the new sermon series on Christianity 101, in the support of Living Spring, and in two deepening friendships with Lake Retreat and Pilgrim Companion that are precisely what I need now—mutual support, spiritual conversation, laughter, simple fun, and love. Once again Spirit flows for me, a reassurance even in days and nights of struggle, annoyance, and uncertainty.

Praise be to God.

Busy? What's That?

I am off again this afternoon on my trip to Capital City of Capitol Cities, having been home barely 48 hours!

Our church's regional conference was amazing. It was a little difficult for me, as Strong Heart has begun seeing someone, and they were there together at the conference. But she had told me about it beforehand, the three of us are comfortable together, and she has made it clear that she and I are very close friends, we will continue to be a part of each other's lives, and her new interest is very willing to accept that. So the best part of our relationship remains strong--the friendship.

And I have to say, the rabble-rouser in me is pleased that we (the three of us) rattled a few cages over the weekend, by being close, spending time together, not creating drama--in other words, acting like adults. We shared time in worship, in retreat and at meals--and let it be seen that, gee, we like each other and can spend time together.

Besides that, I also enjoyed getting to know some people better--a very energetic pastor whom I have always admired, a new neighbour, and a member of Sister City Church; reconnecting with friends; learning; and some amazing worship, including an experience I'm not quite ready to blog about, but I'm sure I will soon.

In other news, our church has received an exciting invitation to a new form of ministry! That is still in process, so I won't say more about it right now except that it would be a first for my denomination in Canada and it would allow us to do things we've only dreamed about doing.

We are--obviously--remaining open. Details to follow.

Off to Capitol City of Capitol Cities!

Up and down...

Much has happened, some of it unbloggable, some important at the time and minor now, some of it providing fodder for thought, some to celebrate…a mixed bag.

I’ve been gifted with a trip to Capital City of Capital Cities, to visit friends and TO. Rejoice, again I say, rejoice! I will have a week to do little but visit loved ones, catch up on their lives and catch them up on mine, spend time with a couple of emerging friendships, and relax. Praises for friends and a capable Board (which allows me to be out of town for a week and over a Sunday without heartburn)!

I have also been gifted (or will be) with the means to take care of some debts. These have been eating at me, and from time to time keeping me from full focus on ministry. This gift, totally unexpected and completely selfless on the part of the giver, will free me from some mundane worries. Praises again!

And one more gift—a friend is sharing her cottage with me for day tomorrow. I hadn’t realized how much I needed a day completely off until she made the offer and it sounded like heaven—eight hours away from phones, cell phones, and yes, even my computer. Because the truth is, if I’m around any of those, I feel like there’s something I should be doing.

We all know how ministry is—there’s always something we can/should be doing. “Is the sermon written and the service ready for this Sunday (HAH!)? Then what about a start on next Sunday, just in case there’s a crisis? And besides, it will let me be more creative, work harder on the sermon. Or what about updating those PowerPoint backgrounds? I’ve been meaning to do that. Of course, I haven’t finished the pastor’s report for the month…the liturgy for Pride Sunday…the readings for the next couple of months…” You know that conversation with yourself, if you’re a pastor, you’ve probably had it or one like it.

Strong Heart, in searching for a new apartment, made sure to get one with two bedrooms—she wants a study with a door she can close. Wise woman, as I have said many times… It would probably help my sanity to move my laptop back up to the study instead of leaving it in the dining room, too…

Anyway, there is much that is good in my life right now. Celebrate!

There are two sadnesses. One is minor, and one is larger, but together they pushed me to think about what is really important in my life.

My mother’s brother, the one just younger than her, is terminally ill with cancer. He will be the first loss among the eight siblings, and she is having difficulty with this. It doesn’t help that her late husband (my step-father) died as a result of the same kind of cancer, and at about this time of year. I am concerned for my mother—I don’t know my uncle well, we were closer to others of my uncles growing up, so of course I am concerned for my cousins, but more so for my mother. This is the larger sorrow.

The minor one… Last summer, Strong Heart and I set up a “bistro’ on the front porch—little table, a couple of chairs, a nice BBQ grill. We used it often. She’d have dinner finishing up on the grill for me when I got back from Sister City; we’d have coffee out there in the mornings; or beer and conversations with the denizens of the Little Yellow House. This summer, the Professor, who now works (and soon will live!) down the street, has stopped by for a beer and conversation a few times. We sat at the table and talked about the joys and worries and frustrations and hopes we had. I would grill for myself and eat in the sunshine, reading a good book.

All that is over… Someone came along with bolt cutters and took the table and chairs.

They weren’t that fancy—nice, to be sure, and comfortable and good-looking. As Strong Heart says, clearly we have taste! But there’s no real value to them—they can’t be resold as a bicycle or car or computer could. I’m more upset by the symbolic loss than the actual loss. If I really want a table, I can go get another one. But that one…that had memories attached to it—of Strong Heart and I, of friends gathered in laughter, of good books, of rest at the end of a long day. It’s not the monetary value, it’s the heart value.

My prayer (arrived at after some heartburn and sorrow, lest you think me a plaster saint) is that those who took the table and chairs enjoy them as much as my friends and I did.

Well, onward and upward, my friends. I’m off to the cottage tomorrow!

Flip Flops

Wow, I am glad this is an anonymous blog! Well, there's a few of you who know who I am, but none who are directly involved in the church...which is a good thing today.

I'm feeling very ambivalent.

We've been struggling here ever since I can remember, but it got very bad--or I looked at more closely--last summer. I had been feeling frustrated and tired for a while, but thought it was more related to working two jobs, being involved in a new relationship, and my community work. I had tried everything I knew and several things that were suggested to me, and they simply were not working. The church was not only not growing, it was stagnating a bit; and everyone in leadership was wearing two or even three hats, nad beginning to burn out. We simply did not have the human resources to carry out our mission.

I began questioning my abilities as pastor, even my call. What had I done wrong? Where could I have done better? How could I fix my mistakes? Should I be a pastor? Should I be a pastor here?

Thanks be to God for Strong Heart, Dona Quixote, and my elder... Together, they helped me to understand that while the buck does stop with the pastor, my job is help people find their call and then help them fulfill it--not to fulfill their call myself, nor to force them to fulfill it. And also that the Holy Spirit is in charge; what happens is in God's hands, not ours. The church did not get this way since I have been here--the last four years--and it's not going to be fixed in four years, assuming that's God's intention for the church.

I have come to the discernment that it is time for me to move on, that my work here is done. I resisted that for a long time, because I know that when I leave, the church will probably close--it's a part-time position and few people can afford to work part-time I can't; I'm working another part-time job). I didn't want to feel responsible for the church closing. But again, my elder and Strong Heart pointed out to me that I was taking way too much on myself. If God is calling me to another place, and God's plan is that the church here stays open, God will provide a way for that to happen. "Trust the Holy Spirit," Strong Heart said.

Of course, my cancer diagnosis put all that on hold for a bit too. I could hardly apply for another pulpit while in active cancer treatment, and in purely practical terms, I needed to stay with the health care plan and providers I had until it was done.

But now it is done (except for the routine follow-ups) and it is time to make a decision. The congregation will meet next month to decide what will happen to the church. For myself, I have applied for a couple of pulpits. I've been short-listed for one and will hear about that congregation's (or their search team's) decision next weekend.

And yet... The last month attendance and giving have been up; interested, energetic people who want to be involved. I left the yard sale today because we had so many people they didn't really need me--and I knew I had work to do, and they needed to feel needed. I have several people who want to join the church...

Of course I will be honest and open with them tomorrow--that we are struggling, but it may be that God has called them here for exactly this reason--to be the new life of the church. Only they can know. And they will be a part of whatever decision the congregation makes next month.

So you see my ambivalence...I am thrilled and delighted by the people who want to join us, but I don't know if there will be a church for them much longer. I know I am being called away, but the flock here needs someone. And I'm eager to seek that flock God is calling me to, but I don't want to leave this one to feel abandoned.

Strong Heart is wise. We knew that our relationship would change when she was called to pastor a church, and it has. Her wisdom lay in asking for that change well before she was actually called--while she was still in the process. This has given us time to come to terms with the change and find our new boundaries and settle into the new shape of this relationship. If we were still in an intimate relationship, I would be even more reluctant to seek a new call--I would want to stay (geographically) where Strong Heart and I could at least attempt to maintain our relationship. But because of her foresight, I am freed (and I think that is the right word) now to seek that call and respond. And if God intends me to be in an intimate relationship, then it will happen.

Hope and sorrow mixed on all sides... New members, but not enough...a changed relationship which I wish did not have to change, but which, in the change, has allowed me to be more available to God's call (and we always said our ministries came first, before our relationship)...a pull to leave, a pull to stay.

I know that, ultimately, all will work to the good God intends if I listen and follow that call. The difficult part is being sure that I am listening to God's voice and not that of my own heart.

My mantra now is "Trust the Holy Spirit." I crave your prayers: for that trust, and for serenity and for hope.

Random musings and catching up...

Bits of this and that...

I've been meaning to write a review of a great book I read, Four Seasons of Ministry, by Bruce Epperly and Katherine Epperly. They compare a pastor's career to the seasons--first church pastors are in the spring, with everything fresh and new; then as a pastor progresses, she moves into summer, when they cultivate the crops, so to speak; then as they move into fall, they harvest the fruits of their labours; in the winter of retirement, they benefit from the work they have done earlier. The writers dont' pay enough attention to the slightly different trajectory of second-career pastors, I think; and in their references to "family, partners and loved ones," they tend to leave out those of us who are single, especially in reference to where pastors get support and how they take their Sabbaths. But those are minor. One of the themes I really appreciated was that of setting patterns of prayer, study, rest, and retreat early on, and how those can fill different needs as you move through your time as pastor. I will try very hard to get that review done and up this week.

Emotionally I'm settling down as well. It was very hard to change my relationship with Strong Heart into friendship; it was the best thing to do, we were not working out as partners--and yet when the relationship was good, it was very good. I will miss those wonderful good parts very much. However, we are finding that we can be friends--our sharing and mutual support around ministry (from sermon prep to dealing with a board to Bible study resources) was always one of the most satisfying parts of our relationship, and that is intact. It just takes time to adjust.

I'm still listening for God's voice in my sense of restlessness. I think I'm hearing a faint call, but I'm not certain. Prayers for discernment, please!

I may have an article published! A journal that focuses on bisexuality is publishing a special issue on bisexuality and spirituality; the editors like my article and want to send it out for review... I've been associated with scholarly publishing, but on the other side--as a reader and as a librarian, so this is a new experience--very interesting!

I've been enjoying a local cafe very much--often spend at least part of a weekend afternoon there. They have organic teas, gluten free cakes and other baked goodies, and generally healthy food. They also have some of the other stuff--espresso to die for, great martinis, and some very interesting grilled cheese combinations (my fav is cheddar and mango chutney).

I met friends there for tea yesterday; Musician and his partner, Artist Doctor. They had a wonderful belated birthday present for me--an advertising poster they had picked up on a trip through Hong Kong (AD works for a university, doing work in Cambodia with free clinics and clean water projects). The poster is for a variety of things, all of them vaguely bug-related--it seems to be for bug powder, a mosquito coil, and so on. But the amazing thing is the illustration--two women, flowers in their hair, elegant earrings dangling, dancing close together, rapturous expressions on their faces. I am SO having that framed!

In the interest of that study thing mentioned in the Four Seasons book, I am embarking on a new project--reading A Course in Miracles. I tried once before, with my best friend, but when we started discussing it, we digressed totally and ended up gossiping instead of dicussing the book. So I am going to try again...

I have started really cooking again. My first attempt was Sag Ghosh, an Indian/Pakistani recipe involving beef, spinach, and curry. My aforementioned best friend often makes it for her Pakistani husband, who calls it "Pakistani comfort food." She got the recipe from his mother, so I think it's pretty authentic! It turned out pretty well--I think I needed more curry and less cayenne; also less spinach. I used less beef than the recipe called for, but the same amount of spinach...a bit overwhelming in the spinach department, let's say!

Busy week ahead--appointments at the clinic, a wedding, and a meeting--all tomorrow; a lunch on Wednesday and another on Thursday, then a mini-conference on Saturday, with a church cookout on Sunday.

I'm trying to read Ann Coulter's book, Godless: The Church of Liberalism; having a difficult time. She makes such sweeping statements, as if all "liberals" (not a term I like) were members of PETA and Greenpeace, or atheists in Christian clothing. It's that old circular definition thing: if you don't fit her definition of a Christian, then you're not really Christian and are fair game. She doesn't seem to want to allow for honest disagreement between groups, or within groups, for that matter. That and her tone of sneering superiority is quite grating. And I'm only about 30 pages into the book!

There, cleaned up those snippets of this and that... Enjoy your weekend, and Happy Mothers Day to the mothers and those who have been like mothers!

This and that...

I have become very lax about blogging--a combination of low energy and nothing really to say right now!

I'm feeling pretty well. Completing the chemotherapy has made a huge difference in how I feel. My hair has begun to grow back--it's about 1/4 - 1/2 inch long. Sort of duck fuzz. If it were a bit warmer out, I'd be tempted to go without a hat. As it is...Winter is not over in River City!

However... I've developed a condition called lymphedema, or LE for short. What is lymphedema? I hear you saying...

Short course:

Part of breast cancer surgery (whether lumpectomy or mastectomy) involves removing one or more lymph nodes from under the arm, to see if the cancer has begun to spread (they did find cancer cells in one of the 20 nodes removed in my surgery). The lymph nodes are part of the lymphatic system, which filters and clears toxins, infections, and general junk out of the body. When lymph nodes are damaged or removed, other nodes generally take up the slack. In cancer treatment, that sometimes doesn't happen, or the remaining nodes are overstressed by chemotherapy or radiation. When an infection occurs (might be as minor as a kitchen burn or a cat scratch) lymph fluid can build up in the arm. It becomes swollen and sometimes hard, stiff, and painful. Treatment is elevation of the arm, massage (either by someone specially trained, or self-massage), and compression sleeves/gloves of various types. It will never go away completely--even if the swelling is gone, I am at high risk for it to return with an infection or a plane flight.

That's what has happened to me. I had risk factors for it that I was not aware of--no spleen (which is part of the lymphatic system; it was removed when I was 10 years old), a couple of major injuries to that arm, and many nodes removed.

The cancer centre has been wonderful--I would have liked some more warning that it might happen, but now that it has, they have swung into action. I went to an LE clinic this week, and have begun the process to get the compression sleeve (it has to be fitted, the off-the-shelf ones do not work as well). The radiation tech told me she didn't think it would slow down my radiation therapy, but i will meet with the radiation oncologist on Tuesday and see what he thinks. I really don't want to delay it at all!

But it brings home to me that breast cancer (or any cancer) is not only about the surgery, chemo and radiation therapy. There are ongoing issues, life-changing issues that I will have to deal with the rest of my life. LE is the one I will have to deal with (besides the constant worry every time I have a mammogram). Other women have to have breast reconstruction, or their ovaries removed (because estrogen released by the ovaries "feeds" the cancer), or have both breasts removed because they are high-risk...etc.

I will deal with this--at least I was able to have a lumpectomy. Once I learn how to live with LE, I am sure I will be fine. My father had diabetes and he learned to deal with it--I can do the same.

Moving on from medical issues....

I am continuing to restructure my life with Strong Heart as a friend rather than partner. We have been able to get together a couple of times to talk and all has gone well. She is continuing to support me around the breast cancer issue--she promised to walk through it with me, and she always keeps her promises. I am trying to return the favour this weekend, as she is candidating for a pulpit. In a very curious (to me) way, we are doing better at supporting each other now than we have done for several months.

I;m rediscovering life as a single person. Some of it is simpler--I can make decisions about the weekend without consulting anyone else's schedule, certain groceries don't need to be picked up anymore--and some of it is more work--no one else helps with housework or errands--and some of it is lonelier--I still don't like going to a party alone, although that usually vanishes after a few minutes and then the upside is that I can leave when I like. As someone said, "When you live alone, you can put something down and know it will still be there when you come back. That's a good thing if it's a book. It's a bad thing if it's a half-full coffee mug and it's three days later."

On the professional front, I'm looking into interim clergy training. I don't know yet if I have the temperament for it, but I'm applying to my denomination's program. Unfortunately, there's a hold on training at the moment (the economy rears its ugly head), but they're still opening files on people who are interestd. I'm also exploring moving on. River City has been good to me, but I'm feeling God may be calling me to a new place. No ideas on that yet and no firm plans--looking into possbilitiies.

I'm also trying to reorganise my life a bit. Not only clearing the clutter in case of a possible move, but in creating more of a routine for my week, setting aside reading time or sermon-writing time and simply not making appointments during that time, for example. I'd also like to have more of a routine for my day. That's difficult when every day is different in terms of a schedule (Monday I'm off, Tuesday and Wednesday I'm in both River City and Sister City, Thursday I'm in Sister City in the afternoon bu no office hours in River City, etc.). And of course all of this has been thrown off by the radiation treatments, which are scheduled anywhere from 7 am to 9 am... Routine?

We're getting teased by spring in River City--but I am not going to be tempted into putting out the porch furniture, because I know that's the surest way to have a blizzard!

And another update...

And there are other things going on in my life besides my cancer journey!

First and foremost, Strong Heart and I are changing our relationship to one of friendship. Our relaionship as partners was very deep and special, but it was meant only for a certain time, and that time is over. She is beginning her own ministry. Not that she didn't have one before, but now she is ordained and will, in all probability, be serving a church of her own before too long. The churches of our denomination are spread widely apart--the geographical distance between us will be even greater than it is now We have always agreed that our ministries, our calls, come first. I'm feeling that my time in River City is drawing to a close, and so I will probably be moving elsewhere at some point in the near future as well.

But one of the best parts of our relationship has always been our ability to share, to be open and honest and clear about our thoughts and feelings. This has helped us in coming to terms with this and it remains a reason we are still friends. She is one of the best people I know to bounce ideas off of, she has many resources and ideas, and her knowledge of leadership is profound. Some of our best conversations have been about the sermon we would preach on Sunday, or how to deal with an issue in the congregation, or the direction her or my minstry should take.

We want to retain that part of our relationship--morph it from partners into good friends. SH has a very restricted definition of friendship--someone she knows on a certain level and trusts and cares about, someone who really knows her, whom she has let into her life to a certain level of intimacy. Anyone else is an acquaintance. I am honored that she considers me a friend by her definition.

Secondly, as I mentioned, it is becoming clearer and clearer to me that my time here in River City is about at an end. Obviously I don't know precisely when that will be, but I am taking a look around me at several possibilities. All will require a move, so clearly I have to do some coordination around my cancer treatment, as well as some house clearing! Time line? I can't begin ti guess. Probably sometime this summer--certainly by mid-fall. More than that I don't know.

So while there has been some sadness (being partnered with SH was fulfilling and very good; I will miss that closeness to her), there is also goodness (we remain good friends, able to talk--in some ways, our relationship is better now) and a sense of looking forard to the future with hope-- a new start, if you will, with the spring.

On the Journey IX...

Between the season and chemo, I have just not had much extra time or energy recently. Still, I should have updated this a long time ago!

This round (December 17th) has left me very tired. Well, tired isn't the right word. If you're tired, you can get some sleep and feel better. This is what the doctor calls fatigue...no amount of sleep takes care of it; I can wake up from eight hours of good sleep feeling exhausted. And unliek some of the other side effects, there's nothing to be done about it. So I'm trying to work around it, cut back, reschedule...whatever it takes to get through.

We've had a tough winter already here in River City, too--as many places in the US and Canada have had. Not being able to clear my own sidewalk has been a frustration for some reason. However, I did bake the three Christmas cookies I wanted to make, and the tree was up and decorated.

Our Christmas Eve service was shared with our host church, and went very well--a modified lessons and carols service. Then I went to Big Sister City Church and attended their Christmas Eve services. They were wonderful...the choir is amazing and talented, Boss Pastor was in fine form, Strong Heart glowed with the Spirit, Intensives Friend was so warm and embracing--just glorious worship experiences, both services.

Next day I was off to my family in Capitol City--more good food! My brother-in-law made his special spice rub for the prime rib, and we had the traditional (for us, a German-British family) Yorkshire pudding and gravy, as well as Waldorf salad (AKA apple salad).


We had a lot of conversation, good food (maybe too much!!) and relaxation. The only downside was my mouth sores...timing was terrible! I couldn't enjoy meals as much as I would have liked to, and even conversation was uncomfortable sometimes. They should be better in a day or so, though.

Worship today is lessons and carols, so an easy day for me--I don't know how I would have preached a sermon, as it really is painful to talk for very long.

Another busy week ahead--renewing various official documents, catching up at both churches--but with the oasis of New Year's Eve/Day in the middle. Strong Heart and I plan on a quiet evening in with a good dinner, maybe the Denizens of the Little Yellow House over for a bit, a movie, and munchies, followed by a restful day of sleeping in and relaxing.

I'll keep you posted!

On the Journey VI...

I felt well until Sunday the 9th, when I crashed and crashed hard. I made myself go to church, however, as we had a budget meeting. My wonderful deacon led service, however!

I didn't feel myself again until Wednesday the 12th. Tired, headaches, no appetite, etc. And then almost overnight, I felt so much better. Still fatigued, but able to eat and sleep again.

Saturday the 15th was Strong Heart's ordination. What a wonderful service that was! So many people there to support her and celebrate with her, members of the several congregations who have come to know her over the years, the mentors and fellow-students, the friends and congregation members... the spirit of love and celebration and joy filled the space and lifted us all.

The photograph of her in her full vestments (chausable even!) with her ordination certificate is one I will always cherish--she is glowing and radiant, full of joy and pride and the Spirit.

I managed to pace myself through that day--I did not jump up to help or find things, I did not circulate at the reception. I made myself sit quietly and rest, knowing that people who really wanted to talk to me would seek me out--and they did.

Sunday was my congregation's annual meeting. We're hanging in there, for the time being. But it was emotional and difficult. on top of an emotional day the day before.

And this week I have felt mostly back to normal. Appetite back, no headaches, mouth not so dry.

However....yesterday my hair began falling out. And today it's worse. I have my Sinead O'Connor party on Friday for a clipping. Several friends will be there to support me, hold my hands if needed, while Stylist trims me close.

I think the hair falling gently all over the vanity this morning really brought it all home. It's real. this is not a bad dream, this is not something I am overdramatising. And it's not something I can skate through--I am not Ali McGraw in Love Story miraculously looking lovely all the way through treatment.

Reality sucks.

I'll keep you posted!

On the Journey, IV...etc.

Wow, lots to blog about.

First, I was not accepted into the clinical trial. The central lab that re-tests all the tissue samples says that my cancer is estrogen receptor positive, so I am not eligible for the triple-negative trial. My oncologist says I am borderline (you just knew these things weren't clear-cut, didn't you?) and I am more to the negative side than the positive. He's asked the cancer centre pathologist to look at my samples again, but he thinks it's still negative, and we'v decided to proceed on that assumption.

He also told me all my heart test results came back in the excellent range! Apparently my heart is functioning as well as that of an athlete--and he wasn't being ironic! I have no idea how it got to that state--as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am pretty far from an athlete! Wow...three exclamation points in one paragraph--time to move on.

So today was my first chemotherapy session. It went well. I got there way too early--anxiety makes you do odd things--but they took me in right away anyway. They gave me steroids to fight nausea (along with a couple of other meds to do the same thing), and the 'roids are making me a bit hyper (see exclamation points above!). The first med was given IV, and slowly (since it was my first time). The second and third meds were given via injection in the IV line. My port looks good, and the nurse changed the dressing for me. I can't get the stitches out until Friday, but they look fine too. And as usual, the staff were amazing! Caring, expert, funny, even. And Butterfly Nurse (who was my nurse today) liked my tat...

Strong Heart was with me the entire time, we prayed beforehand, she held my hand at the ouchy parts, she talked to me, made me laugh, and took me to Windy's for lunch after (possibly a dumb idea, but I had a craving for a cheezburger). Last night when she arrived home, I was crying--before she even said hello, she asked what was wrong. It was nerves and over-thinking things--but she listened, she calmed me. Strong Heart continues to be a blessing to me.

So far, no nausea, no headaches or funny tastes or any of that (just red pee, as I was warned, from one of the meds...sorry if that's TMI). Of course, it's the first time, but this bodes well. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

And one of the best things about today was the election results! Not only the national ones (my greatest relief and hope), but two statewide initiatives where Strong Heart lives too. Medical marijuana and stem cell research...both hot button issues, and some complex ethical questions in the latter case.

So now I'm feeling a bit wired still, but tired at the same time, if that makes sense. I'm off to bed with a cup of hot tea, my iPod and a good book (The Battle for God, by Karen Armstrong, about fundamentalism in Judaism, Islam and Chrsitianity--great reading, folks, and highly reccomended).

All in all, as Tony would say, "I'm greeeaat!"

I'll keep you posted....

On the Journey....III

The whole thing is becoming more concrete.

Thursday I had a port (stent/cath/shunt) placed, so that I don't have to get a needle everytime I get chemo. It's about the size of a quarter (although it feels much larger), with a tube running to a large vein in my neck. It just makes the whole process of chemotherapy easier for me and the staff sdministering it. They can also draw blood through it. As I apparently have "small veins" (which means "difficult to stick") minimizing the number of needle sticks is important!

I was back at work yesterday, although I did not stir out of the house last night. There were several events I wanted to attend. Band Named After a Household Appliance had a gig, there were two art shows opening, and of course the usual Halloween fun. I thought of last year when Man About Town and I went to a local bar and watched the people in costume going into the local "young people's bar" and picking our favourite costumes--I liked the light-up Christmas tree. That was also the night Man About Town was asked by a stranger if the stranger could ask me to dance...MAT was not only not my partner, but gay. He told the stranger, "You'll have to ask her!" We still chuckle about that one...

Anyway, next week--yeah. Monday I meet with the nurse running the clnical trial, then my oncologist, to be sure everything's on track for Wednesday. Then Tuesday morning I meet with a possible spiritual director. Tuesday night Strong Heart comes over, and Wednesday afternoon is my first round of chemo.

There's an election in there somewhere too...

Seriously, I have already voted by absentee ballot, and while I am working on Tuesday night, I will have one of the election sites up on the work computer. I doubt we'll stay up late waiting for the results, but I do plan to watch for a while after I get home (c.8:30). Not many results until then anyway.

For my US readers--have you or will you vote? This election feels critical to me. We all need to take advantage of our ability to make our wishes and opinion known--so vote!

Update...to be continued...

Strong Heart and I visited the surgeon again yesterday.

The cancer is at Stage 2, which means that it was found in my lymph nodes, besides the tumour.

The usual treatment is radiation and chemo combined. We'll know more about scheduling and timing after we meet with the care team tomorrow (Wednesday the 8th).

It's not what I wanted to hear, but after wallowing in negativity for a couple of weeks, I got angry this weekend, and that got me out of it and now I'm in a positive place.

What got me out of that boo-hiss place? Well-meaning people who want to 1) treat me like glass and coddle me; or 2)tell me they know exactly how I feel because their sister/cousin/co-worker had breast cancer; or 3)tell me how I should be eating/sleeping/treating it, because of what worked for their sister's best friend's cousin's daughter-in-law.

I know they mean well, and so I do my best to respond graciously. SH gave me a great phrase to use--"Everyone's story is different"--and I embellish on it.

Sample: "Well, everyone has a different story. We really like my surgeon and we're going to see what she recommends. I'll remember what you said; but we really trust my surgeon."

So why does it make me angry?

• Because I'm still healthy--don't treat me as if I'm suddenly unable to do anything. I want to do as much as I can for as long as I can. I appreciate the support and love that people are trying to express, but I don't want to let go of what I CAN do until I have to.
• Because they DON'T know how I feel! The people who have survived cancer have simply told me that; "I'm a survivor," and nothing more. They understand.
• Because I need to trust my surgeon, myself, Strong Heart and my care team. The advice-proffering folks have no idea what my health status is like, my life circumstances, my options. I personally plan to fight this tooth and nail. I have a 19-year-old son I want to see graduate from university, get married, etc.; a partner I love and plan to spend the rest of my (long) life with; work to which I am called and love passionately; family I want to be with; friends; experiences I haven't had that I want to have--I am going to do what it takes to be there for all of that. That's my decision, and mine alone, and I want to be free to make it without any suggestion that what I'm doing may be OK in the short term but ruinous in the long term, or vice versa--or harder on SH than it needs to be, or bad for my health in other ways, etc.

I know they are all well-intentioned. So I smile politely and repeat, "We're very happy with the surgeon. Everyone's story is different. I'm fine for now--if and when I need help I will be sure to call on you."

(Note: I do intend to ask for and accept help when I need it, which won't be easy for me to do; but I don't just yet!)

Back to Normal?

Yeah, well, first define normal!

I led worship last Sunday, and will do so again this week. I started back to my semi-secular job (it's at another church of my denomination) this week, just two days, to ease myself back into it.

It's been hard, though, to get through a certain lethargy...I know there's a sermon to be written for tomorrow, and I want to write it, and I have ideas and plans for how I want it to go, but I can't seem to muster up the oomph to actually do it. I don't know if I'm still recovering from the surgery or if it's psychological or sheer inability to shift gears from enforced laziness.

I slept 12 hours last night--I haven't slept that long in years.

Well, Monday Strong Heart and I go in for the pathology results. Wednesday is the "intake" appointment at the cancer centre here in River City--that's when we'll get some idea of a schedule for treatments.

I continue to be amazed and touched by the support and caring of my friends, both here in River City, across the continent and around the world. Simply knowing people are holding me in prayer is powerful and humbling. Thank you for those prayers...and keep 'em coming!

And keep SH in your prayers too--she does so much for me and yet feels she isn't doing enough. Her love and strength have held me up many times these last few weeks--her presence in my life has been a blessing. If she had not been present, of course I still would be fine. But because she is here with me in this, everything is that much easier to bear.

Update and Gone For a Bit...

Thanks to all of you (you know who you are) who sent good vibes and prayers and suggestions my way before the debate last month--they were felt and appreciated!

We're struggling here in River City. Finances at the church are very tight--this is a factory town, and our main product is cars and car parts, and they aren't selling well these days. The trickle-down effect here is that people get laid off, or they fear getting laid off, and so they spend less. They don't buy clothes as much, they stay in the old house instead of buying a new one, they order pizza in instead of going out to dinner, they rent a movie instead of going to a concert...you know how it goes. They also, unfortunately, tithe less. Things need to pick up very soon.

Strong Heart is back to work! Too soon, in my humble-and-not-medical opinion, but then I'm not the one in charge of when she goes back (nor is she, unfortunately).

We're checking out another health issue for me--lump on the other side, probably a cysy but uncertain. I felt a bit stupid and hypochondriac for even bringing it up, but the doc reassured me. Between my family history and plain prudence, it needs to be checked out. No word on the date for that yet.

I'm still missing Mr. M. From time to time, something will remind me of him--a photo of a corgi at I Can Has Cheezburger (my new favourite time-wasting site, BTW), or the biscuit bar at Mega-Pet when Strong Heart and I stop by for fish supplies; or his crate, still in the corner of my living room. It was time to let him go, but I still miss him...

Next week is vacation time! Well, clergy-vacation...I think a lot of people wouldn't see it as vacation, but Strong Heart and I do. We're off on a retreat for a few days, to my fav retreat place EVAH...GilChrist Retreat Center.

Wow, two links in one post--better quit here before I hurt something! I hope to check in to the Friday Five and the Preacher Party (even though I'm not preaching this Sunday), but if I don't, y'all have a good week!

Up and Down in May

Well, yes, it’s been a while. Literally no time to journal, let alone blog.

Mid-May, Strong Heart was told she needed surgery. So three days later, there we were—me in the waiting room, her in surgery. The staff was marvellous—again! I had some real reservations, since this time we were in a medical facility in the States, in a relatively small town. But they were accepting and even affirming of our relationship (one of the aides came running in to tell us the good news about California), and took wonderful care of Strong Heart. To be honest, they were some of the best medical staff I have ever seen, and I have worked in more than one hospital. They were cheerful, helpful, upbeat, and friendly—it almost seemed as if they LIKED working there!

So Strong Heart is now staying with me while she recuperates, which is an experience all in itself! I’ve learned to drive her car (it’s easier for her to get in and out of), we’re catching up on all those DVDs we’ve always wanted to see, and she’s resting—more or less. The surgery seems to have done what it was supposed to, and given her relief from pain.

But on top of that good news, we had bad news. This past weekend, we had to say goodbye to Mr. M. He had been having more and more trouble navigating stairs and controlling his back legs; and there were other signs of possible kidney failure. So the vet was honest with us, but clear and kind—we could keep Mr. M. around for a while, but he would be in pain. So, remembering how good he had been to us, we were good to him, and gave him release. The staff was great—we have been surrounded recently with wonderful medical people, for which thank God!—and allowed us all the time we needed to say goodbye.

Mr. M. was my best friend and companion for the last 14 years—he saw TO from first grade through his first year of college; me through seminary, a divorce, coming out, denominational transfer, ordination, an international move, the end of one relationship, and the beginning of another. He had many friends, both human and animal—best of all was his buddy Teddy, another Corgi who is waiting for him on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge. One of my recent joys was watching him and Strong Heart become good buddies—bonding over time spent on the porch, drinking coffee and having a smoke (Strong Heart), sprawling on the floor (Mr. M.), and watching the world go by (both of them).

It’s been a roller coaster of a month, May has—to be capped (pardon the pun) by Strong Heart’s seminary graduation this coming Saturday!

Celebration!!

The surgeon says she thinks it is merely a cyst--to be monitored and checked again in three months, but not to be operated on!

Jubilation!!

And gratitude to the office staff and the surgeon, who with their graciousness and matter of fact acceptance of Strong Heart's presence with me, once again proved to me why I LOVE living in Canada.

The Saga Continues...

Well, the cytology report was equivocal. “Unusual” was used; “family history” was mentioned as well. And when my doctor realised that my sister was the same age I am now when her breast cancer was diagnosed, she (my doctor) felt that settled it—I’m going for another exam.

This time, it’s a general surgeon, but someone who specialises in this sort of thing. She’ll examine me, look at the test results, etc. and make a recommendation. That could be any number of things—another ultrasound, a mammogram, a biopsy… But she’s really the expert, so I’ll take a deep breath and plunge.

Strong Heart will be there; as she has been and continues to be.

Friday Five--24 Hours!

Elrond
(JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings; as portrayed by Hugo Weaving in Peter Jackson's film)

This week’s Friday Five, from RevHRod (who comes up with some of the.best. Friday. Fives.)

1. If you could dramatically change your physical appearance for 24 hours, what would you do?

I’ve always had this double chin thing going on. Even at my thinnest, back at university, I had a really thick neck. Profile shots are horrible, and some face-ons aren’t much better… So, yeah. I’d like to have a real neck and chin. Just to see what it’s like.

2. If you could live in another place for 24 hours where would you go?

This one is difficult. In only 24 hours, you really can’t see or do much. I think I would probably want to go either someplace totally hedonistic, like a cabin in the woods with Strong Heart, or totally altruistic, such as the mission project Strong Heart worked on a couple of years ago in the Dominican Republic. In some ways, just getting away would be a blessing. At the same time, I think I need to experience the realities of life for other people—knowing, of course, that in 24 hours and in that situation, I would still be privileged.

3. You get to do somebody else's job for a day...

I almost said US President, but you know, any changes I made would vanish the next day as soon as Dubya got back. Still it might be nice to have 24 hours when the war stopped, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell went away, a trans-inclusive ENDA was mandated by executive order, and all women’s restrooms were required to have enough stalls.

On the other hand, I’ve often thought about running a combination used-book-store and café (with perhaps a gifty/music shop on the side). I wouldn’t mid trying that for a day.

4. Spend the day with another person from anywhere in time and space...

Well this one’s easy. Strong Heart.

Not that there aren’t other people I’d like to meet and talk with—Joan of Arc, Alexander the Great, Abraham Lincoln, Walt Whitman, k.d. lang, King David (yes, THAT King David), Mahatma Gandhi, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Gandalf, and Elrond, for starters.

5. A magical power is yours. Which one would you pick?

Healing body, mind and spirit. There’s so much pain—I would be so blessed to be able to heal some of it. I was once told by someone who “reads” hands that I am a healer of healers—a meta-healer if you will—and certainly my heart inclines to those in need of healing.

Which partially explains Elrond (keeper of wisdom and healing in JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Ring).

Random Cogitations...

Some thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain since yesterday’s experience…. I was impressed by the hospital staff’s acceptance of my relationship with Strong Heart.

I asked when I checked in, “Is it possible for my partner to come into the examining room with me? I’d like for her to be with me, if possible,” or words to that effect, making it clear that my partner was another woman. The receptionist didn’t blink, just told me I’d have to ask the technician.

So I did. And, again, a simple, “no, there really isn’t room,” was the only reaction.

And then, when the preliminary exam was done and the technician went off in search of the doctor, I asked if it were possible for someone to tell Strong Heart what was going on, or to bring her in so I could—I knew she’d be waiting to hear, out in the waiting room, and as it got to be twenty minutes, then half an hour, I didn’t want her to worry. And again, even though it was clear my partner was a woman, the response was professional and simple—if the doctor isn’t available right away, yes, we’ll let her know.

And the truth is, there really wasn’t room in there for anyone else. And while I was getting undressed/dressed/waiting, at least two other people were also told they couldn’t be with a patient. Both were mother-daughter pairs, and in one case, the (adult) daughter was actually the translator for her non-English-speaking mother. So it wasn’t just us by any means.

So why am I making such a big deal out of this?

Partly because it feels so good to be able to make such a request without a negative reaction, partly because it’s a sign of progress in River City (which tends to be conservative) and partly because it made me think.

Why am I so pleased at simple acceptance? Why do I feel so positively about simply being treated like everyone else?

Obviously, it’s partly because that hasn’t been the case for so many same-sex couples, even recently. And it’s especially poignant when medical issues are involved. When your health or your partner’s is threatened, you want both of you to be present at important moments, whether it’s tests or childbirth or treatment decisions.

But a part of me is annoyed and irritated that I even have to think about it; and that I am, in fact, so pleased at being treated like everyone else.

Why should I even have to think about these things? Why should it be doubtful whether the person who is closest to me, who knows more about what I want and need than anyone (except perhaps my son and my mother), is permitted to be with me when I need her?

I don’t really have answers to these questions…just thinking them over and putting them out there.