“A Beginning” January 3, 2016; MCC Windsor

Psalm 103

Praise the Holy One, my soul; all my inmost being, praise God’s holy name.

Praise the Holy One, my soul, and forget not all God’s benefits—who forgives all your errors, heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Mark 1:21-45

Jesus and the disciples went to Capernaum, and when the Sabbath came, Jesus went into the synagogue and began to teach. The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law. Just then a man in their synagogue who was possessed by an impure spirit cried out, “What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God!”

“Be quiet!” said Jesus sternly. “Come out of him!” The impure spirit shook the man violently and came out of him with a shriek.

The people were all so amazed that they asked each other, “What is this? A new teaching—and with authority! He even gives orders to impure spirits and they obey him.”News about him spread quickly over the whole region of Galilee.

As soon as they left the synagogue, they went with James and John to the home of Simon and Andrew. Simon’s mother-in-law was in bed with a fever, and they immediately told Jesus about her. So he went to her, took her hand and helped her up. The fever left her and she began to wait on them.

That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed. The whole town gathered at the door, and Jesus healed many who had various diseases. He also drove out many demons, but he would not let the demons speak because they knew who he was.

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him,  and when they found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you!”

Jesus replied, “Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.” So he traveled throughout Galilee, preaching in their synagogues and driving out demons.

A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, “If you are willing, you can make me clean.”

Jesus was indignant. He reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed.

Jesus sent him away at once with a strong warning: “See that you don’t tell this to anyone. But go, show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them.” Instead the one who was healed went out and began to talk freely, spreading the news. As a result, Jesus could no longer enter a town openly but stayed outside in lonely places. Yet the people still came to him from everywhere.

*****

Will you pray with and for me? Holy One, you open the doors of this new year for us; give us the wisdom and grace to accept this gift, and to be open to your presence in our lives. Bless us that we may perceive and appreciate your love in our lives. In all your names, amen.

Jesus begins his ministry by selecting his first followers, the first disciples. He doesn't offer them miracles or angels. He simply says, to Peter and John and James,  "come with me." And, amazingly, they do just that-- they drop their nets to go with him. He doesn't perform miracles for them, he doesn't give them promises of riches or power--he just says, "Come."

We hear this story so often that I think we have become a bit numb to how amazing this really is. Would you follow someone who simply looked at you and smiled and said, "Come with me, and I will have you fishing for people?" Would you get up and walk away from your desk, put down your tools--whether they are wrenches or computers, chalk or a book--and go off with him, leaving your family behind, all that you knew--to go with this odd man who made no promises and yet had so much to give; this man who could cast out demons and evil spirits, comfort and heal--even leprosy--one of the hardest diseases to treat without antibiotics, and an illness to be feared in Jesus' day. And still is today in many parts of the world.

This is the man you are following--this carpenter (probably) from the medium sized and unremarkable town of Nazareth, who has wisdom and knowledge beyond his upbringing and environment.

As we move through Epiphany, this season between Christmas and Lent, we come to the realization--which is what an epiphany is, a sudden realization of a truth--that this Jesus person was unlike any other person who ever lived. We will hear about the cures he effected, the people he fed, his wise words--the doing of his ministry.

You know, the liturgical colour for the season of Ordinary Time, as the Sundays between Epiphany and Lent are called, is green--for growth, against what we see in the natural world this time of year. Here in the Northern Hemisphere, it's colder, we usually have a lot of that stuff we won't name, but which starts with an s and ends with a w; this is not the time of year we associate with growth and development.

But it certainly can be. I tend to think of this time as the reflective, contemplative time of year--a time to sit with a mug of tea and think about the year just past and the year to come; what to change and what to keep; what to add and what to pare away.

I have been thinking and reading a lot recently about New Year's resolutions. They are rarely kept, unless you make one like a friend does, who every year declares she resolves not to become a neurosurgeon... Many people are suggesting that rather than resolutions, we look at our life as a whole, and decide what we want to maintain in our lives and what needs to be cleared out. New Year's resolutions tend to be about specific  behaviours we want to change--exercise more, quit smoking, call your mom more often--but psychologists will tell you that it is very difficult to simply change behaviour. The better course is to look at the underlying causes and reasons, and work on those instead, as addiction counsellors can attest. Why don't I exercise more? I can come up with a lot of excuses--the gym is too expensive, the weather's bad, I feel awkward in exercise clothes, I don't have time--but the reality is that I see exercise as wasted time--whether it is or not is another question--and that keeps me from a regular exercise program. But if I can change the way I think about exercise--as a time for thought and contemplation, keeping my body working while my mind is free to wander--then I am more likely to exercise, especially if I am walking or doing yoga rather than weight-lifting in the gym.

We aren't told about what happened to the people Jesus healed. We don't know if they became followers or not. We don't know if they stayed healed or not.

But we do know that Jesus was present for them in a way that healed them--that gave them the opportunity for a new life.

So as we stand at the threshold of a new year, I urge you to review 2015--your 2015. What worked? What didn't? What things are you regretting or finding a burden instead of a joy, and why?  What was wonderful, and why? Instead of a list of behaviours, create a description of your ideal life--and the whys of it--and use that as a guide in the coming year. When you are offered an opportunity--for a new job, or a social event--measure it against that ideal life. What do you need to add or take away to have your ideal life? Maybe a reconciliation with someone, or maybe letting go of trying when the other person doesn't want to; maybe it is finding time and space for creativity--remodeling your home, writing a blog, painting, gardening.

These are things we can change. We are unlikely to have Jesus come to town and heal us, or stand before us and say, "Come with me." But we can recognize the healing, the changes we want in our lives, and make them happen. That is far better than easily ignored resolutions about smoking and exercise--because we will be examining who we really are and who we want to be. You can find lots of resources online--google "Rule of Life."

When we do this, we are on the path to healing; Jesus is with us on the path, encouraging us as we make the changes.

2016 can be a year of profound growth and change for us--if we are willing to be healed. In all God's names, amen.

Blogging the Unbloggable...

How to blog the unbloggable…

At my denominational conference in July, one of the preachers spoke of asking God for what we need. She said (at least, this was my understanding) that too often we don’t dare to ask for what we really need, requesting half a loaf when we are hungry for a whole one. We may do this because we think we don’t deserve a whole loaf; or we may think that if we only ask for half a loaf, then we won’t be disappointed; or perhaps we think God doesn’t deal in whole loaves. This is especially true, she said, of pastors—we who are so busy taking care of others (our congregations, our denominations, our communities, our families, our partners) that we do not take adequate care of ourselves.

I thought about that a bit.

I had felt for several months that I had no clear channel of communication with God any longer. Earlier in my life, when I had been at a crossroads or in doubt as to what I should do, I could open myself to God and feel the divine guidance—not always right away, but eventually. But no longer. I struggled and struggled—trying several methods of prayer, trying doing nothing, trying many things. But still that channel felt blocked—as if something were in the way, between me and God. After much struggle, prayers, tears and thought, I realized that what was blocking that communication was that my heart had not completely changed towards Strong Heart—I had not completely made the transition to friends. My head had, my spirit knew too that she and I were best as friends, for many reasons, and had known that on some level for quite a while before we agreed to change our relationship—but my heart didn’t quite agree yet. My heart longed for what we had had. I tried to argue my heart out of it, but as you may know, hearts are stubborn. Strong Heart is an amazing woman, one of my dearest friends whom I love deeply—but by no means was she or can she be my ideal partner, nor I hers. We had both come to realize that, and had accordingly changed our relationship. So I struggled with my heart to let go of that, but I was so focused on all the debris that comes even with an amicable change in relationship that I could not hear Spirit above the clamour.

And so, there I was in worship that Friday night, the night of the traditional healing service, and the sermon was about not being shy to ask God for what you really want and need. And so I did; I asked God for that healing I needed—to clear the way for that sweet communication with Spirit that I so missed. When it came time for individual prayers, I went for healing prayers, asking for the way to be opened to hear God and speak to God again.

Let me be clear here. I come from a very structured United Methodist background. I do not see angels. I have never prophesied nor spoken in tongues. We didn’t do that sort of thing in the proper MidWestern church I grew up in. Heck, we barely ever even clapped along with the hymn and we never ever raised a hand to the music or in affirmation of the preacher’s message. Saying, “Amen?” Honey, it didn’t happen.

Needless to say, I worship differently now! But—I still clung to those remnants of my upbringing and was sceptical of such things as speaking in tongues and being slain in the spirit.

I am sceptical no more. In that time of prayer, in which I wept as though my heart was breaking, I felt that channel cleared--the debris of my clinging to the old, no-longer-existent relationship with Strong Heart because it was what I knew and because it had been at one time so sweet to me, rather than the healthier, and yes, holier, relationship that we had now—all that debris of the past was swept away and Spirit came rushing in. Came rushing in and laid me flat out, caught by the loving arms of friends—Boss Pastor, Dona, Celtic Rainbow, and Pilgrim Companion.

Yes, my friends, I was slain in the Spirit. That rush cleared my heart, my head, my soul, my very self. Not only was my heart healed of its mourning, but it was opened to new hope and possibility.

Literally, from that moment, the healing began and has continued. The connection with my friend the revitalization pastor—Living Spring—that very evening, within the very hour, even—and the continuing involvement with Host Pastor and the others working towards a cooperative parish after conference, are affirmations that remaining open and revitalization is the right thing to do. I had no such reassurance earlier, though I sought it long and hard.

I have moved further along on this journey—finding new energy in the work towards a possible cooperative parish, in the new sermon series on Christianity 101, in the support of Living Spring, and in two deepening friendships with Lake Retreat and Pilgrim Companion that are precisely what I need now—mutual support, spiritual conversation, laughter, simple fun, and love. Once again Spirit flows for me, a reassurance even in days and nights of struggle, annoyance, and uncertainty.

Praise be to God.

Flip Flops

Wow, I am glad this is an anonymous blog! Well, there's a few of you who know who I am, but none who are directly involved in the church...which is a good thing today.

I'm feeling very ambivalent.

We've been struggling here ever since I can remember, but it got very bad--or I looked at more closely--last summer. I had been feeling frustrated and tired for a while, but thought it was more related to working two jobs, being involved in a new relationship, and my community work. I had tried everything I knew and several things that were suggested to me, and they simply were not working. The church was not only not growing, it was stagnating a bit; and everyone in leadership was wearing two or even three hats, nad beginning to burn out. We simply did not have the human resources to carry out our mission.

I began questioning my abilities as pastor, even my call. What had I done wrong? Where could I have done better? How could I fix my mistakes? Should I be a pastor? Should I be a pastor here?

Thanks be to God for Strong Heart, Dona Quixote, and my elder... Together, they helped me to understand that while the buck does stop with the pastor, my job is help people find their call and then help them fulfill it--not to fulfill their call myself, nor to force them to fulfill it. And also that the Holy Spirit is in charge; what happens is in God's hands, not ours. The church did not get this way since I have been here--the last four years--and it's not going to be fixed in four years, assuming that's God's intention for the church.

I have come to the discernment that it is time for me to move on, that my work here is done. I resisted that for a long time, because I know that when I leave, the church will probably close--it's a part-time position and few people can afford to work part-time I can't; I'm working another part-time job). I didn't want to feel responsible for the church closing. But again, my elder and Strong Heart pointed out to me that I was taking way too much on myself. If God is calling me to another place, and God's plan is that the church here stays open, God will provide a way for that to happen. "Trust the Holy Spirit," Strong Heart said.

Of course, my cancer diagnosis put all that on hold for a bit too. I could hardly apply for another pulpit while in active cancer treatment, and in purely practical terms, I needed to stay with the health care plan and providers I had until it was done.

But now it is done (except for the routine follow-ups) and it is time to make a decision. The congregation will meet next month to decide what will happen to the church. For myself, I have applied for a couple of pulpits. I've been short-listed for one and will hear about that congregation's (or their search team's) decision next weekend.

And yet... The last month attendance and giving have been up; interested, energetic people who want to be involved. I left the yard sale today because we had so many people they didn't really need me--and I knew I had work to do, and they needed to feel needed. I have several people who want to join the church...

Of course I will be honest and open with them tomorrow--that we are struggling, but it may be that God has called them here for exactly this reason--to be the new life of the church. Only they can know. And they will be a part of whatever decision the congregation makes next month.

So you see my ambivalence...I am thrilled and delighted by the people who want to join us, but I don't know if there will be a church for them much longer. I know I am being called away, but the flock here needs someone. And I'm eager to seek that flock God is calling me to, but I don't want to leave this one to feel abandoned.

Strong Heart is wise. We knew that our relationship would change when she was called to pastor a church, and it has. Her wisdom lay in asking for that change well before she was actually called--while she was still in the process. This has given us time to come to terms with the change and find our new boundaries and settle into the new shape of this relationship. If we were still in an intimate relationship, I would be even more reluctant to seek a new call--I would want to stay (geographically) where Strong Heart and I could at least attempt to maintain our relationship. But because of her foresight, I am freed (and I think that is the right word) now to seek that call and respond. And if God intends me to be in an intimate relationship, then it will happen.

Hope and sorrow mixed on all sides... New members, but not enough...a changed relationship which I wish did not have to change, but which, in the change, has allowed me to be more available to God's call (and we always said our ministries came first, before our relationship)...a pull to leave, a pull to stay.

I know that, ultimately, all will work to the good God intends if I listen and follow that call. The difficult part is being sure that I am listening to God's voice and not that of my own heart.

My mantra now is "Trust the Holy Spirit." I crave your prayers: for that trust, and for serenity and for hope.

Random musings and catching up...

Bits of this and that...

I've been meaning to write a review of a great book I read, Four Seasons of Ministry, by Bruce Epperly and Katherine Epperly. They compare a pastor's career to the seasons--first church pastors are in the spring, with everything fresh and new; then as a pastor progresses, she moves into summer, when they cultivate the crops, so to speak; then as they move into fall, they harvest the fruits of their labours; in the winter of retirement, they benefit from the work they have done earlier. The writers dont' pay enough attention to the slightly different trajectory of second-career pastors, I think; and in their references to "family, partners and loved ones," they tend to leave out those of us who are single, especially in reference to where pastors get support and how they take their Sabbaths. But those are minor. One of the themes I really appreciated was that of setting patterns of prayer, study, rest, and retreat early on, and how those can fill different needs as you move through your time as pastor. I will try very hard to get that review done and up this week.

Emotionally I'm settling down as well. It was very hard to change my relationship with Strong Heart into friendship; it was the best thing to do, we were not working out as partners--and yet when the relationship was good, it was very good. I will miss those wonderful good parts very much. However, we are finding that we can be friends--our sharing and mutual support around ministry (from sermon prep to dealing with a board to Bible study resources) was always one of the most satisfying parts of our relationship, and that is intact. It just takes time to adjust.

I'm still listening for God's voice in my sense of restlessness. I think I'm hearing a faint call, but I'm not certain. Prayers for discernment, please!

I may have an article published! A journal that focuses on bisexuality is publishing a special issue on bisexuality and spirituality; the editors like my article and want to send it out for review... I've been associated with scholarly publishing, but on the other side--as a reader and as a librarian, so this is a new experience--very interesting!

I've been enjoying a local cafe very much--often spend at least part of a weekend afternoon there. They have organic teas, gluten free cakes and other baked goodies, and generally healthy food. They also have some of the other stuff--espresso to die for, great martinis, and some very interesting grilled cheese combinations (my fav is cheddar and mango chutney).

I met friends there for tea yesterday; Musician and his partner, Artist Doctor. They had a wonderful belated birthday present for me--an advertising poster they had picked up on a trip through Hong Kong (AD works for a university, doing work in Cambodia with free clinics and clean water projects). The poster is for a variety of things, all of them vaguely bug-related--it seems to be for bug powder, a mosquito coil, and so on. But the amazing thing is the illustration--two women, flowers in their hair, elegant earrings dangling, dancing close together, rapturous expressions on their faces. I am SO having that framed!

In the interest of that study thing mentioned in the Four Seasons book, I am embarking on a new project--reading A Course in Miracles. I tried once before, with my best friend, but when we started discussing it, we digressed totally and ended up gossiping instead of dicussing the book. So I am going to try again...

I have started really cooking again. My first attempt was Sag Ghosh, an Indian/Pakistani recipe involving beef, spinach, and curry. My aforementioned best friend often makes it for her Pakistani husband, who calls it "Pakistani comfort food." She got the recipe from his mother, so I think it's pretty authentic! It turned out pretty well--I think I needed more curry and less cayenne; also less spinach. I used less beef than the recipe called for, but the same amount of spinach...a bit overwhelming in the spinach department, let's say!

Busy week ahead--appointments at the clinic, a wedding, and a meeting--all tomorrow; a lunch on Wednesday and another on Thursday, then a mini-conference on Saturday, with a church cookout on Sunday.

I'm trying to read Ann Coulter's book, Godless: The Church of Liberalism; having a difficult time. She makes such sweeping statements, as if all "liberals" (not a term I like) were members of PETA and Greenpeace, or atheists in Christian clothing. It's that old circular definition thing: if you don't fit her definition of a Christian, then you're not really Christian and are fair game. She doesn't seem to want to allow for honest disagreement between groups, or within groups, for that matter. That and her tone of sneering superiority is quite grating. And I'm only about 30 pages into the book!

There, cleaned up those snippets of this and that... Enjoy your weekend, and Happy Mothers Day to the mothers and those who have been like mothers!

And another update...

And there are other things going on in my life besides my cancer journey!

First and foremost, Strong Heart and I are changing our relationship to one of friendship. Our relaionship as partners was very deep and special, but it was meant only for a certain time, and that time is over. She is beginning her own ministry. Not that she didn't have one before, but now she is ordained and will, in all probability, be serving a church of her own before too long. The churches of our denomination are spread widely apart--the geographical distance between us will be even greater than it is now We have always agreed that our ministries, our calls, come first. I'm feeling that my time in River City is drawing to a close, and so I will probably be moving elsewhere at some point in the near future as well.

But one of the best parts of our relationship has always been our ability to share, to be open and honest and clear about our thoughts and feelings. This has helped us in coming to terms with this and it remains a reason we are still friends. She is one of the best people I know to bounce ideas off of, she has many resources and ideas, and her knowledge of leadership is profound. Some of our best conversations have been about the sermon we would preach on Sunday, or how to deal with an issue in the congregation, or the direction her or my minstry should take.

We want to retain that part of our relationship--morph it from partners into good friends. SH has a very restricted definition of friendship--someone she knows on a certain level and trusts and cares about, someone who really knows her, whom she has let into her life to a certain level of intimacy. Anyone else is an acquaintance. I am honored that she considers me a friend by her definition.

Secondly, as I mentioned, it is becoming clearer and clearer to me that my time here in River City is about at an end. Obviously I don't know precisely when that will be, but I am taking a look around me at several possibilities. All will require a move, so clearly I have to do some coordination around my cancer treatment, as well as some house clearing! Time line? I can't begin ti guess. Probably sometime this summer--certainly by mid-fall. More than that I don't know.

So while there has been some sadness (being partnered with SH was fulfilling and very good; I will miss that closeness to her), there is also goodness (we remain good friends, able to talk--in some ways, our relationship is better now) and a sense of looking forard to the future with hope-- a new start, if you will, with the spring.