Monday, January 14, 2008

Reversing Gravity?

I’m taking a big leap here, and becoming a bit more personal on this blog. I know, what’s more personal than skin art?

Well, emotions. The tangled and blue state of mine, to be precise. How do you fall out of love?

(Forgive me if I sound melodramatic or whining. I’m not terribly rational on this subject.)

You see, there’s someone I care about very much—OK, someone I love. It’s not infatuation or lust or anything but honest love. But. For a variety of reasons I’m not going to go into, this person is never going to be my significant other. Just trust me, these reasons aren’t something that can change. We’re reasonably close friends, so there’s a true intimacy there. But it won’t, can’t, go any further than that. And yet I can’t get this person out of my head and my heart. Every time I think I’m over it, something makes me realise I’m not over it. Reason isn’t working; the pain of constant contact while knowing it’s impossible isn’t doing it; trying to meet and fall for someone else most certainly hasn’t worked.

I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, I’ve rationalised, I’ve journaled…nothing has worked . I want it to stop, but it won’t. I don’t dwell on it…but it’s always there, when something reminds me of this person, or of a joke we’ve shared or of something we’ve done together.

I’ve thought of ending our friendship, even, simply because it hurts so much sometimes. But I can’t bring myself to do it—for one thing, explanations would be needed and I want to keep my dignity, because I know this person doesn’t feel the same way for me as I do for them—and, I pray, has no idea how I feel (and the person rarely, if ever, reads my blog, so I feel fairly safe that they won’t read this or won’t recognise themselves if they do). And I can’t pretend there’s another reason for ending our friendship—I’ve never lied to this person; I can’t end our friendship with a lie. And then the friendship part is very good, and I think mutually enriching. We just have a good time together.

And part of me feels stupid or juvenile for having this sort of issue at my age—the half-century mark isn’t that far away, and you’d think I’d have this love thing figured out by now.

But I want to let go of it; I want the pain to go away, I want to be available for whatever mutually rewarding relationship is possible. But how do I do that? Do I just endure until I stop feeling this way?

I have no ideas left. Any of you have an idea, brothers and sisters?

2 comments:

Reverend Dona Quixote said...

((((RP))))

Rev. Sharon said...

I wish I had an answer, sweetheart... my gut says stay friends and trust in God, but how does that handle the pain?

{{{hugs}}} you're in my prayers....