Friday Five--24 Hours!

Elrond
(JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings; as portrayed by Hugo Weaving in Peter Jackson's film)

This week’s Friday Five, from RevHRod (who comes up with some of the.best. Friday. Fives.)

1. If you could dramatically change your physical appearance for 24 hours, what would you do?

I’ve always had this double chin thing going on. Even at my thinnest, back at university, I had a really thick neck. Profile shots are horrible, and some face-ons aren’t much better… So, yeah. I’d like to have a real neck and chin. Just to see what it’s like.

2. If you could live in another place for 24 hours where would you go?

This one is difficult. In only 24 hours, you really can’t see or do much. I think I would probably want to go either someplace totally hedonistic, like a cabin in the woods with Strong Heart, or totally altruistic, such as the mission project Strong Heart worked on a couple of years ago in the Dominican Republic. In some ways, just getting away would be a blessing. At the same time, I think I need to experience the realities of life for other people—knowing, of course, that in 24 hours and in that situation, I would still be privileged.

3. You get to do somebody else's job for a day...

I almost said US President, but you know, any changes I made would vanish the next day as soon as Dubya got back. Still it might be nice to have 24 hours when the war stopped, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell went away, a trans-inclusive ENDA was mandated by executive order, and all women’s restrooms were required to have enough stalls.

On the other hand, I’ve often thought about running a combination used-book-store and café (with perhaps a gifty/music shop on the side). I wouldn’t mid trying that for a day.

4. Spend the day with another person from anywhere in time and space...

Well this one’s easy. Strong Heart.

Not that there aren’t other people I’d like to meet and talk with—Joan of Arc, Alexander the Great, Abraham Lincoln, Walt Whitman, k.d. lang, King David (yes, THAT King David), Mahatma Gandhi, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Gandalf, and Elrond, for starters.

5. A magical power is yours. Which one would you pick?

Healing body, mind and spirit. There’s so much pain—I would be so blessed to be able to heal some of it. I was once told by someone who “reads” hands that I am a healer of healers—a meta-healer if you will—and certainly my heart inclines to those in need of healing.

Which partially explains Elrond (keeper of wisdom and healing in JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Ring).

Random Cogitations...

Some thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain since yesterday’s experience…. I was impressed by the hospital staff’s acceptance of my relationship with Strong Heart.

I asked when I checked in, “Is it possible for my partner to come into the examining room with me? I’d like for her to be with me, if possible,” or words to that effect, making it clear that my partner was another woman. The receptionist didn’t blink, just told me I’d have to ask the technician.

So I did. And, again, a simple, “no, there really isn’t room,” was the only reaction.

And then, when the preliminary exam was done and the technician went off in search of the doctor, I asked if it were possible for someone to tell Strong Heart what was going on, or to bring her in so I could—I knew she’d be waiting to hear, out in the waiting room, and as it got to be twenty minutes, then half an hour, I didn’t want her to worry. And again, even though it was clear my partner was a woman, the response was professional and simple—if the doctor isn’t available right away, yes, we’ll let her know.

And the truth is, there really wasn’t room in there for anyone else. And while I was getting undressed/dressed/waiting, at least two other people were also told they couldn’t be with a patient. Both were mother-daughter pairs, and in one case, the (adult) daughter was actually the translator for her non-English-speaking mother. So it wasn’t just us by any means.

So why am I making such a big deal out of this?

Partly because it feels so good to be able to make such a request without a negative reaction, partly because it’s a sign of progress in River City (which tends to be conservative) and partly because it made me think.

Why am I so pleased at simple acceptance? Why do I feel so positively about simply being treated like everyone else?

Obviously, it’s partly because that hasn’t been the case for so many same-sex couples, even recently. And it’s especially poignant when medical issues are involved. When your health or your partner’s is threatened, you want both of you to be present at important moments, whether it’s tests or childbirth or treatment decisions.

But a part of me is annoyed and irritated that I even have to think about it; and that I am, in fact, so pleased at being treated like everyone else.

Why should I even have to think about these things? Why should it be doubtful whether the person who is closest to me, who knows more about what I want and need than anyone (except perhaps my son and my mother), is permitted to be with me when I need her?

I don’t really have answers to these questions…just thinking them over and putting them out there.

Good News!

First, I have to thank all of you for your prayers, comments, thoughts and support yesterday. I could feel the positive energy all the way over here in River City...thank you all so very much.

The ultrasound showed a cyst, which they drained. Further tests will be done, to be sure it wasn’t precancerous, but it’s looking good. And I have only a band-aid! The technician and doctor were great, very professional and yet caring. The procedure room was so small, though, that Strong Heart wasn’t permitted to be with me...the only downside.

Again, many thanks and blessings to you all for healing energies, for prayers, for thoughts and for encouragements….What a wonderful blogring this is!

It's Nothing?

Well OK. I’m taking a deep breath and jumping about putting this out there. I don’t usually like to talk about this sort of thing, but I may—just may—need all the support I can get. On the other hand, this may (I hope will!) be a tempest in a teapot. But just in case it isn't.

I’m having an ultrasound mammogram on Tuesday. Yes, there’s a lump. It feels huge to me—somewhere between an almond and a walnut. My doctor seemed a bit alarmed (I have a family history of breast cancer), but not overly so. She scheduled me for the procedure “ASAP” which is a step above "urgent" but not "emergency." She also warned me that depending on findings, they may want to do a biopsy then and there. I’ve had a biopsy before—it was not pleasant or fun and the fear of the results made it even less so.

So this may be nothing. That’s the attitude I’m trying to cultivate—just a test to make sure everything’s fine, which it is, blah blah blah.

The plus side—if there is one—is that the few non-blog friends I’ve shared this with have been uniformly caring and supportive in their various ways—holding me in prayers, reassuring me, promising me support. And Strong Heart has been simply stellar. Words fail me to describe just how, but she has been. “The sacrament of presence” pretty much covers it.

So friends—if you also would keep me in prayer on Tuesday, I will be very grateful. “For prayer avails much.”

Postscript: In rereading, I have realised how ungracious I sound about my friends. You are on the plus side of this, every one of you. Especially SH, who is going to be there with me on Tuesday.

A Moving Tale....

(sorry, I couldn't resist the pun...)

Mother Laura over at the RevGals offers this as the meme for today’s Friday Five. I haven’t done one in a while, but I am a veteran mover, so here goes.

1. How many times have you moved? When was the last time?

Let’s see…from birth? Sixteen, not counting back and forth to university. Four of those were overseas moves (States to Germany and back, twice). Yeah, I’ve had some experience in it—not as much as some of my friends, but a fair amount!

The last time was the move to River City, and it was such a nightmare that I don’t want to move again, even just down the street! A lost driver’s licence, rain, mountains, an international border, an overloaded truck….Yeah. Not a memory I cherish.

2. What do you love and hate about moving?

I love the adventure of it—the sense of a new start, even if it’s just down the hall or across town. The opportunity to clear out junk—both literal and metaphorical—and rearrange my home and my life. There’s so much to discover and explore about the new place, that it almost makes up for the hassles.

I hate the unpacking and settling in—not being able to find anything, whether it’s to wear or cook with. Well and the packing before, too.

I like things to be settled and to know where things are. You can’t do that in the middle of a move.

3. Do you do it yourself or hire movers?

I’ve done both. With the overseas moves, we were moved by the gov’mint—my ex-husband was in the US military. That was nice in some ways—just had to sort things out ahead of time and make sure they didn’t pack things they shouldn’t and did pack what they should. On the other hand, there was an absolute deadline—they were showing up at a date and time and you couldn’t fudge it and tell them to come back the next day, you weren’t quite ready.

For the shorter moves, I’ve done it myself, with the help of friends. They curse my book collection and my oak furniture. But I do pack well—almost everything is in boxes or containers.

It’s a toss-up as to which is better. As I get older (cough) , I’m leaning more towards paying someone to help me.

4. Advice for surviving and thriving during a move?

Again as a veteran…and having moved with pets and a small child, I think I am qualified for this one!

• Take care of yourself—get your hair cut, meditate every day for an hour, get a massage, whatever it is that makes you feel good and strong. Trust me, you’ll need it.
• Clear out the junk before you move. As soon as you know—are told, make the decision—that you will move, start immediately. This is when you get rid of the ragged towels and unfinished art projects and dried-up makeup and books you never read past the first chapter. Believe me, especially when you’re paying for it, it’s very discouraging to unpack things and think—“why did I bother moving this?”
• Get the pets and small kids (say, under 10) out of the place the day of the move. Life will be happier for everyone involved.
• Have a “no-go” room. This is where you put everything you don’t want moved by the movers (whether they are professionals or your friends). If you want to move your computer, or Great-Aunt Tilly’s china, or your cherished art yourself, this is where it goes. So do papers like insurance policies, pet health records, clothes and other things needed during the move—anything you will need to touch during the move. It can be a closet, too, but the key is a door that be firmly closed with a sign saying “Do Not Enter” in as many ways and languages needed.
• Be sure to have more than enough of whatever special stuff you need—diapers, pet food, medications, etc. And now is NOT the time to lose Junior’s special blankie! Or to try potty training. Or to give up the binky.
• Don’t be afraid to spoil yourself and your significant others a bit around the move. A new bedspread, pizza the night before the movers come, not starting to unpack the minute the movers finish unloading but instead taking a walk around the new neighbourhood—whatever you and your loved ones need to feel a bit special. There is plenty of time for frayed nerves and exhaustion.
• Last rooms to pack, first to unpack—kitchen and bathroom. The rest you can make do—these you need functional ASAP.

There—now I sound like a Family Morale Support Specialist on an Army base…

5. Are you in the middle of any inner moves of not outer ones?

I’ve been contemplating a move, mostly for financial reasons, to a smaller, cheaper place. Given my recent disastrous foray into housemates, it’s my only real alternative for reducing my housing costs. The issues are the costs of moving itself, and finding a place where Mr. M would be mobile and accepted. So for the moment, I’m here.

Bonus: Movies/books, etc about moving.

Do you know, I couldn’t really come up with one? Strange. The closest I can come is the opening of When Harry Met Sally and they’re moving from Chicago to New York City—everything fit in a station wagon. Now those were the days…

Thanks for this, Mother Laura! Lots of memories—some not so great, some wonderful—but all worthwhile.

(and look, a whole post with no mention of Strong Heart...oops.)

Authority

I am so going to try not to dwell on what is sweetest in my thoughts at the moment—namely, Strong Heart and our growing relationship—and look at something she and I have discussed a bit. Being both clergy geeks, this really is the sort of thing we discuss…well, some of what we discuss, anyway.

Authority and leadership. Ordained clergy are set aside for leadership in the church. Every denomination has its own refinement on what that means (only clergy consecrate sacraments? Only clergy officiate at baptisms? Etc.) as well as the process by which a person is ordained (seminary and denominational requirements, denominational training course, anointing by congregation, etc.). But the question remains—ordained to what? Set aside for what?

When I was consecrated in the United Methodist Church (ordination is a two-step process there, in which first a person is consecrated as a probationary elder, then after 3 years, ordained an elder—and don’t get me started on the illogic of that), we were told as part of the consecration, “Take thou authority…” Authority to do what? Well, to preach and to order worship, to consecrate Communion, to baptise—and also to send in the annual church reports, to meet with the district superintendant, to counsel and mediate and lead council meetings….in short, to lead a church.

But what gave me that authority? Yes, the words spoken over me at the consecration; and the training I had received at seminary and through my mentors. But more importantly than either of these is the call I received from God to pastor. When the United Methodist Church could not accept or hear my call, I went where it was accepted—where the authority of my call was recognised.

And what is the nature, then, of that authority? Is it rule—being the one in charge, the one with the final say, like the mother who says, “You do this because I said so, that’s why.” Is it the shepherd—being the one with the vision, seeing the goal, herding the flock towards that righteous end? Is it the guide—who knows the pitfalls and dangers as well as where the wells of living waters are? Is it the servant—who, by example and patience and love, offers an alternative to self-absorption? Is it the CEO—always seeing the bottom line, figuring how many new members pledging so much per year we get per five thousand flyers going out into the community? Is it the politician—working with the government or elected officials to set up needed services? Is it the activist—raising a lonely voice and taking a stand?

I think true leadership is a blend of all these—none should predominate, but all blend into a whole—so that each may emerge as needed. This is an ideal, to be sure. But in my experience, when one of this overshadows the rest, trouble lies ahead.

Does that sound like I’m afraid to make a stand? Perhaps it does seem that way, but I do have a position on this—every clergy person must be able to act in any of those roles at any time. Sometimes the flock needs to be pushed in another direction; sometimes they need to be loved and supported and served; sometimes they need to take a hard look at finances.

And every clergy person has one of those roles that predominates—that’s based on their personality and style. Myself, I tend to the servant leader—to me, the stole I wear on Sundays is a symbol of the yoke of obedience. I responded to my call because I could do no other—in obedience to God. And so I did what I had to do in order to serve God.

Others will have other stories. I have friends who are politicians, who are activists, who are CEOs. But they also are able to be servants or guides when needed.

“Take thou authority.”

Spring...

Life is good.

There is someone very special in my life now. I’ve known her for a while; definitely noticed her, but…well, my own stubbornness kept me from admitting that I was attracted to her. She’s also clergy (well, to-be at the moment, but soon enough…), and we’ve had some similar life experiences (though by no means all), and many of our mutual friends thought we’d be perfect for each other. So of course I said I didn’t think so—it was expected, it was too perfect, it worked too well… Someone should really have smacked me upside the head.

Well, God did. Strong Heart and I began associating more often recently through a complicated chain of events, and we talked...and talked...and talked. I found I had been very foolish to resist God’s nudging.

Strong Heart is everything I have hoped and prayed for—a warm, spiritual, loving, strong, nurturing person who, mysteriously, finds me interesting and attractive. I’m not going to argue anymore—just enjoy it until she wakes from her delusion.

Seriously, I cannot imagine what I have done to merit such support and caring and trust; I am simply receiving it gratefully as a sacred gift. My prayer is that I am able to give her the same in return.

God is teaching me something—probably a couple of things, to be honest. First is patience, and the second is that She really does know what She’s doing.

I can truly say, “Thank you, Jesus!”

Good Friday Five

Trying to get back into the rhythm of my week… I will make a start with this!

RevHRod over at RevGalBlogPals offers this for the Friday Five:

1. Our prayer concerns are as varied as we are this day. For whom would you like us to pray?

2. Are there things you have done or will do today to help the young ones understand this important day in our lives?

3. Music plays an important part in sharing the story of this day. Is there a hymn or piece of music that you have found particularly meaningful to your celebrations of Good Friday?

4. As you hear the passion narrative, is there a character that you particularly resonate with?

5. Where have you seen the gracious God of love at work lately?

And here are my responses:

1. Our prayer concerns are as varied as we are this day. For whom would you like us to pray?

CaliPastor’s partner, Piano Man lost his aunt last night—she was like another mother to him, so this is a blow to the whole family. Prayers for all of them, please, especially as PM’s mom is also very ill. And for a dear friend whose relationship is imploding, amidst tears and insults and anger and confusion and much pain…prayers for understanding and compassion and, eventually, healing and the return of hope. And for me, as I explore gingerly the possibilities of a new relationship.

2. Are there things you have done or will do today to help the young ones understand this important day in our lives?

Sadly, no. I don’t think I’ve ever had children present for a Good Friday service—and I know none of the services that I have participated in have made space for them. A sad commentary. Thank you for the nudge, RevHRod. I will rectify that in future.

3. Music plays an important part in sharing the story of this day. Is there a hymn or piece of music that you have found particularly meaningful to your celebrations of Good Friday?

“Were You There?” has always moved me, and today we heard an amazing instrumental version using pipes and drums. Very haunting and dramatic and Celtic. The closing hymn afterwards was an anticlimax.

4. As you hear the passion narrative, is there a character that you particularly resonate with?

Always Peter. I try to do what I know I should, and I can be brave up to a point—but when it comes to the point, all too often my courage fails and I pretend I don’t know the man from Galilee. It’s not that I don’t know the right thing to do—I do. I just can’t bring myself to do it, because it would mean more work or stares, or nasty phone calls, or the loss of friendships. None of them good enough reasons. And so I take comfort that Peter does redeem himself later. Also in the fact that Brit Boy took “Peter” as his confirmation name—for much the same reasons, I suspect.

5. Where have you seen the gracious God of love at work lately?

In the aforementioned possible relationship… In the support of the local community here in River City around the study the church is doing. In the expressed and supportive love of Cali Pastor and Piano Man during my recent visit (to be honest, they spoiled me rotten, from the gourmet coffee I love but they don’t drink, to the use of the sporty Jeep to luscious meals to wonderful company).

Withdrawal Pains

My faithful laptop has to go to the big laptop repair shop far away. I will not be able to post for several days. This is what I get for procrastinating on the repair.

The good news? It's still under warranty.

Will post regularly once it returns...

Catching Up...

Oh my more than a month!!

I can’t believe it’s been so long. Well.

I’ve been involved with a presentation at a conference, then went to Large Western Coastal City to another conference and also to visit friends, and then back to catch up. Also, with a second job I have to be a lot better at time management. It’s a challenge.

Projects I am currently working on: worship planning for the next couple of months, working with Brit Boy on the church’s website redesign, rewriting the membership class materials, and working on SOPs for a community organisation. That’s in addition to the usual sermon writing, worship and bulletin preparation (for two churches), Powerpoint presentation, etc.

Events for me personally: On the positive side: visiting my friends was wonderful. It offered a much-needed break with people who love me and support me unconditionally and who spoil me shamefully. They fed me bountifully, listened, entertained, and loved me. On the negative side: I’ve told Roomie to be out by this Saturday. And that’s a long story…suffice it to say that I was being taken advantage of—rent not paid, lack of responsibility re: house cleaning, no respect for boundaries… So she’s going to be gone, with the help of Landlord if needed.

So I will endeavour to do better at this—even if it’s a short note. I promise!

Monday Night Video

The Indigo Girls sing for me about love.... "The Last Tears."

(Warning: Amy wears a skirt in this video! Also, this video has a different spin on the song than I'm using it for...but just listen to the song)

My Personal Art

Well, it's done! I hope the picture is clear enough.

It wasn't that bad, actually--the process, I mean. Outlining wasn't the greatest, but the rest was very tolerable. And I impressed the artist--and Man About Town. Both of them expected that I would object a lot more, or have more discomfort, given the location. Pah! I've been through childbirth, I told them; 20 hours of induced labour and a c-section. I can handle a tat!

I love the design he came up with and the way he blended the colours...he even thought to ask me which colour I wanted on the top of the circle! I told him red, because while blue is my favourite colour, red is the one that I identify as "my" colour. It's a tad larger than I envisioned at first; but so much detail was lost when it was smaller, that I decided to go for a bit more size. And it's still small enough that I can, if I want, cover it.

The artist called it "striking." I'm inclined to agree!

P.S. This morning it's itchy and sting-y--like sunburn--just like RDQ said it would be!

Skin Art--It's Almost Time!

Three hours!

I was most impressed--I called the studio yesterday to confirm the appointment, and was given a list of do's and don'ts for last night and today:

• Do get a good night's sleep (I did)
  
• Do have a good meal in the afternoon before coming in (I'm doing that right now)
  
• Don't drink alcohol or do drugs (!!) before coming in (no...not a problem)
  
• Wear something comfortable (going home to change soon)
  
• Expect to be tired tonight (OK...)
  

Clearly this is an establishment that cares about its clientèle. Well, I was aware of that from the length of time I had to wait for an appointment. They are certainly not the only studio in town, so there's another reason for the wait time--the quality!

So I'm off on the adventure, friends! Will post pictures later!

Friday Five on Monday

Believe me, this is typical of my life these days… Friday becomes Monday...

So, RevHRod wants to know about books! Dangerous question to ask a former librarian… But here goes!

1. What book have you read in the last six months that has really stayed with you? Why?

Wow, this one is actually pretty difficult. I’m trying to remember what I’ve read! Leaving Church, by Barbara Brown Taylor had a lot to say to me. But then, so has Identity and the Case for Gay Rights: Race, Gender, Religion as Analogies, by David A.J. Richards.

2. What is one of your favourite childhood books?

Wrinkle in Time, by Madeline L’Engle; The Lord of the Rings, by JRR Tolkien; The Rising of the Lark, by Anne Moray. I know, you said one. But all of these taught me, in different ways, that life doesn’t always have happy endings, that people who deserve good things don’t always get them; and that while life simply isn’t fair, there is nonetheless value in doing what is right. Which sounds hackneyed, but at the age of 10-14, these are valuable lessons to learn.

3. Do you have a favourite book of the Bible? Do tell!

My favourite Gospel is Luke, followed closely by Mark. In the Hebrew Bible, Isaiah, followed closely by Job.

4. What is one book you could read again and again?

Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte. Coming Out Spiritually, by Christian de la Huerta (and I’m sure everyone is tired of reading that title in my blog! Too bad…). And the “Kristin Lavrandottir” series, by Sigrid Undset. The latter is the life story of Kristin, from the age of 5 or so until her death. She’s on the fringes of major events in Norwegian history, but nothing major. It’s simply the story of her life—her youth, her marriage, her children, the rise and fall and rise again of her fortunes, the mistakes she makes (some huge ones) and the right decisions (some very good ones). And all wrapped in a medieval Norway you can feel.

5. Is there a book you would suggest for Lenten reading? What is it and why?

A daily devotional. I tend to get back into my daily reading and prayers during Lent, stick with it pretty well until the summer, when it falls apart, and make a few feeble stabs at it until the next Lent… I have a Celtic one I like very much.

And because we all love bonus questions, if you were going to publish a book what would it be? Who would you want to write the jacket cover blurb expounding on your talent?

I would like my friend Builder in Large Capitol City to write his memoirs. He’s lived an amazing life and has the most wonderful stories to tell—funny, sad, touching, bittersweet, horrifying—and he tells them well. He’s lived through some amazing times, and his stories need to be told.

Oh, you mean what book that I would write? I’ve been mulling a novel about a small-town band… And the jacket blurb should be by kd lang, Eric Clapton, Steve Martin, Bob Seger, Bono, Bishop Gene Robinson, and Archbishop Rowan Williams issuing a joint statement.

And what did you have in your tea after dinner?

Skin Art, Part…Whatever

Whoo hoo...Less than forty-eight hours now. Um, 43.5 to be precise. Man About Town says, "The countdown begins!"

Still looking forward to this. Well, maybe not looking forward to the process but the result. Well, maybe I am looking forward to the process--in a testing-myself way. Seeing if I can do this.

And I hadn't thought of this until this moment...When I was 10 years old, I had a disorder of the spleen, called idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura...basically, my spleen was destroying more platelets (blood clotting factor) than it was creating. Thus I bled very easily and didn't stop easily. I eventually had to have my spleen out, but in the process of coming to a diagnosis, I had to have bone marrow drawn. There are two locations they generally draw it from--either the pelvic girdle, in the small of your back, or the breastbone. Because of my age (I suspect), they used the breastbone...in approximately the same place my new art will go.

In that case, they were searching for what was wrong with my body.

In a couple of days, we'll be celebrating what is right with my spirit.

And it feels so right.

Skin Art, Obsessional Division, Subsection Two (Procrastination)

Four days, five and a half hours!

Skin Art, Obsessional Division, Subsection One

Six days, four hours, forty minutes!

Skin Art, Obsessional Division

One week. Whoo hoo! Only seven days! And 7 hours. I am so ready!

Still have: several days of work, a haircut/colour, an anniversary celebration, a pre-wedding session, a sermon, two meetings and a Bible study to get through first.

Seven days, 6 hours, 45 minutes!

Reversing Gravity?

I’m taking a big leap here, and becoming a bit more personal on this blog. I know, what’s more personal than skin art?

Well, emotions. The tangled and blue state of mine, to be precise. How do you fall out of love?

(Forgive me if I sound melodramatic or whining. I’m not terribly rational on this subject.)

You see, there’s someone I care about very much—OK, someone I love. It’s not infatuation or lust or anything but honest love. But. For a variety of reasons I’m not going to go into, this person is never going to be my significant other. Just trust me, these reasons aren’t something that can change. We’re reasonably close friends, so there’s a true intimacy there. But it won’t, can’t, go any further than that. And yet I can’t get this person out of my head and my heart. Every time I think I’m over it, something makes me realise I’m not over it. Reason isn’t working; the pain of constant contact while knowing it’s impossible isn’t doing it; trying to meet and fall for someone else most certainly hasn’t worked.

I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, I’ve rationalised, I’ve journaled…nothing has worked . I want it to stop, but it won’t. I don’t dwell on it…but it’s always there, when something reminds me of this person, or of a joke we’ve shared or of something we’ve done together.

I’ve thought of ending our friendship, even, simply because it hurts so much sometimes. But I can’t bring myself to do it—for one thing, explanations would be needed and I want to keep my dignity, because I know this person doesn’t feel the same way for me as I do for them—and, I pray, has no idea how I feel (and the person rarely, if ever, reads my blog, so I feel fairly safe that they won’t read this or won’t recognise themselves if they do). And I can’t pretend there’s another reason for ending our friendship—I’ve never lied to this person; I can’t end our friendship with a lie. And then the friendship part is very good, and I think mutually enriching. We just have a good time together.

And part of me feels stupid or juvenile for having this sort of issue at my age—the half-century mark isn’t that far away, and you’d think I’d have this love thing figured out by now.

But I want to let go of it; I want the pain to go away, I want to be available for whatever mutually rewarding relationship is possible. But how do I do that? Do I just endure until I stop feeling this way?

I have no ideas left. Any of you have an idea, brothers and sisters?

Skin Art, Part…Whatever

Two weeks today. I’m looking forward to it; I’m nervous. I can’t wait.

I mentioned that I was getting a tattoo to some friends over the holidays, and was surprised at some of the responses. One friend, whose father had always regretted his Navy-acquired tattoos, warned me about those regrets, especially considering where I plan on having it done (on my chest, about where a pendant would hang). Another, fairly conservative friend, was dead against it. Yet another shrugged. TO was impressed (he hates needles and wouldn’t get a tattoo if his life depended on it—the last time he got an immunization, he fainted), as was Travelling Sister. I haven’t mentioned it to Mom yet.

And then one friend—Honest Lawyer—was very enthusiastic. HL is one of those friends I see maybe twice a year (we don’t live near each other any more), but every time we do get together, our connection is still there and we can talk about anything at all, pick up the threads of our last conversation and carry on. We can be very honest with each other (she really pushed me, this last visit, to think about some things in a different light), and yet we shared some intensive experiences that meant we know parts of each other in ways no one else ever will. Anyway, she was very supportive and excited about it—she wants a photo of it the moment it’s done (ah, the joys of camera phones and photo messaging!).

And Man About Town is almost as excited as I am. It’s on his calendar!

But in the meantime, there’s a board meeting, an anniversary celebration, preparations to make for a presentation at a national conference in Sister City, and one or two sermons to write. Among the usual other stuff of life, like renewing health cards and getting groceries and doing laundry and putting up pictures…

Only two weeks!!